The last few days have been pretty dark days for me. I know I ended my last post on a fairly positive note but I've been really struggling to feel that positivity. I keep randomly bursting into tears and I feel drained, wrung-out. I finally recognised what I am feeling this morning: it's grief. Grief for a baby I never managed to create in the first place.
I know intellectually that is irrational, but that's the thing about grief: it's not rational. It hits when you think you have things under control, and is triggered by things that seem completely unrelated on the surface. Everyone is affected by fertility struggles differently, and everyone feels grief differently. This is how I am feeling, and I want to acknowledge that, deal with it, and move on when I am ready.
I know my journey to creating a family is far from over, and as a friend pointed out, there is more than one way to a family. The desire for a family is not something I can just put aside. It's not like I can say, "Okay, well, I can't have children without intensive assistance, oh well, let's move on." I've heard from friends who have also struggled with fertility that this desire never goes away, even when you think that part of your life is over.
Which brings me to my support network. Dave and my parents have been there through every part of this journey so far. My sister and the rest of my extended family have also been hugely supportive. Dave's parents have helped financially. My friends from work, one in particular, have been great. But the most amazing thing is the support I get from random people online in places like this blog, Facebook, and (especially) Twitter. There are two main reasons I blog about this stuff: Firstly, and most importantly, because I want to demystify fertility and help people realise that creating children is not as easy as it seems, and to show people in similar situations that they are not alone. But also, I blog about this because writing about my experience helps me work through what is going on and deal with it. And the responses I've received have been nothing short of fabulous. I've had complete strangers reach out to me who heard about me through a friend of a friend or who happened to see something I tweeted. I've received virtual hugs and plenty of sympathy from so many people. Random people have sent me cute things like baby sloths. Just when I feel at my lowest, a friend sends me a message reminding me that I have people that care about me and hope I am okay.
It may seem like such a tiny thing, flicking off a quick "*hugs*" on Twitter or Facebook, but I tell you, it really does make a world of difference. To know that someone out there is listening and understands you are in pain and wants that pain to stop. People say that social networks are destroying communication and interaction. Well, that's bullshit. I have made some really close friends through Twitter and I get plenty of social interaction. I can type things that I might not ever say out loud. I can throw an SOS into the void and get a dozen responses of support.
So, to everyone out there who has supported us, and me in particular, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
IUI Round 4 Result: Negative
I had the blood test on Saturday and unfortunately it was negative. I had suspected that it would be, and thought I was prepared, but the result hit me a lot harder than I expected. I had to flee work and then spent the rest of the afternoon swinging between raging and bawling my eyes out. I tried to make a chocolate cake to make myself feel better and the cake mix exploded everywhere. In short, it was not a very pleasant day!
After discussing the result with each other and with my Mum, we've formulated a plan. We are going to take a year off actively trying to conceive. If we get pregnant in that time with no assistance, great, but it won't be our focus. Instead, we are going to save up for a big overseas trip in September with my parents. It's my Mum's 60th birthday in early September and she is very keen to go to Italy while my sister is there and see some other sights in Europe also. Obviously a Europe trip is very expensive, and so I also suggested an alternative could be Asia. In either case, we will have an extended holiday around that time.
In the mean time, this blog will be fairly quiet. I may occasionally post updates here, but it will essentially be dormant for a while.
If you read my personal blog you'll know I'm a fan of the game Dragon Age II. There was recently new Downloadable Content (DLC) released for this game. While playing through the DLC, you encounter the following quote:
After discussing the result with each other and with my Mum, we've formulated a plan. We are going to take a year off actively trying to conceive. If we get pregnant in that time with no assistance, great, but it won't be our focus. Instead, we are going to save up for a big overseas trip in September with my parents. It's my Mum's 60th birthday in early September and she is very keen to go to Italy while my sister is there and see some other sights in Europe also. Obviously a Europe trip is very expensive, and so I also suggested an alternative could be Asia. In either case, we will have an extended holiday around that time.
In the mean time, this blog will be fairly quiet. I may occasionally post updates here, but it will essentially be dormant for a while.
If you read my personal blog you'll know I'm a fan of the game Dragon Age II. There was recently new Downloadable Content (DLC) released for this game. While playing through the DLC, you encounter the following quote:
In uncertainty, find infinite possibility.
- An old Orlesian sayingI really love this quote and I am making it my touchstone for the following year. I'm uncertain what my future holds, but that simply means there are infinite ways my future can play out.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
IUI Episode IV: A New Hope
(Bonus geek points if you get the title reference).
So. Here we are at our final IUI round of the year. I started my injections on Friday (after a bit of a hiccup forgetting in the morning in the rush to get my dog to the vet - I did my first injection in the evening) and have my first blood test and scan on Friday next week, which will be Day 9. I'm shooting for a Monday insem but as usual, it's not entirely in my control! I feel a bit more blasé about this round, which is surprising because I thought I'd be stressing out that we're up to round 4 with no result. I guess a wait-and-see approach is my only option at this point. So, let's wait and see.
So. Here we are at our final IUI round of the year. I started my injections on Friday (after a bit of a hiccup forgetting in the morning in the rush to get my dog to the vet - I did my first injection in the evening) and have my first blood test and scan on Friday next week, which will be Day 9. I'm shooting for a Monday insem but as usual, it's not entirely in my control! I feel a bit more blasé about this round, which is surprising because I thought I'd be stressing out that we're up to round 4 with no result. I guess a wait-and-see approach is my only option at this point. So, let's wait and see.
Monday, October 3, 2011
IUI Round 3 Result: Negative
Another negative. In my gut I knew that was the result, but there's always that tiny hope that I'm wrong. We tested a day later than normal this cycle and I still hadn't started bleeding but I guess that was just the progesterone. We've decided to go straight into the next cycle, which we've never done before, mainly because of the timing: we have a mini-holiday at the end of November and then after that it's Christmas etc. So we wanted to get in our last try of the year before all that happened.
I haven't lost hope just yet. We have one more round to go before we reassess. In some ways that will make this upcoming round harder to deal with, I think - knowing it's our last try. But of course it's not the end of the road. We could continue with IUI cycles next year. We could get pregnant naturally. We could consider adoption. IVF, at this point, I would only consider if we were in a position financially where I didn't have to work, because I just don't think I could handle the stress and intrusiveness of it. And of course, it's financially out of reach for us right now in any case.
So. One more round to close out the year. Fingers crossed it's fourth time lucky.
I haven't lost hope just yet. We have one more round to go before we reassess. In some ways that will make this upcoming round harder to deal with, I think - knowing it's our last try. But of course it's not the end of the road. We could continue with IUI cycles next year. We could get pregnant naturally. We could consider adoption. IVF, at this point, I would only consider if we were in a position financially where I didn't have to work, because I just don't think I could handle the stress and intrusiveness of it. And of course, it's financially out of reach for us right now in any case.
So. One more round to close out the year. Fingers crossed it's fourth time lucky.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
IUI Round 3: I-Day!
This round started off well and I was feeling pretty good in the prep phase - until I got hit with an awful migraine on Thursday morning. I'm sure this was at least partly triggered by my hormones. I felt like I'd been kicked in the head by a horse and all I could see was stars which is unusual for my migraines - I hardly ever get a visual component. I slept for most of the morning and felt a bit better in the afternoon but still really tired.
Friday we went for my second blood test and a scan and were told to prepare to be back in the afternoon for the insemination. Unfortunately, after lunch Shelley from the Clinic called to say my body wasn't quite ready yet and we'd been bumped to Saturday morning. I had to take a trigger shot of Ovidrel to make sure I ovulated on time and then prepare for the insem on Saturday.
Saturday, today, I woke up and wheedled breakfast in bed out of Dave - a cup of tea and some Pop Tarts (I wish they weren't so hard to find and expensive here!). Then Dave produced his sample and we headed to the clinic for our 9:30 arrival.
When we arrived at the clinic (a little late) we had to wait for quite a while before they came and took the sample to be prepped. Then there was another wait while they did that, during which we endured some awful Disney TV show and the inane prattle of the other people in the waiting room. Finally, however, we were led into the procedure room (a different one from the last two times) and told to get ready.
Of course, there was yet another wait after that. I lay on the procedure bench, uncomfortable on my back and impatient for it to be over with, for at least 10 minutes before Dr Swift finally appeared, we did the name & date check, and got down to business.
The moment of truth had finally arrived. Did the surgery a month ago help? I was going to be annoyed if it hadn't. But thankfully, the insemination was blessedly quick. Probably only a minute or two and it was over. Much easier than the last two. I still felt crampy and uncomfortable afterwards but at least there wasn't all the rigmarole I'm used to by now. So - back on two 400mg progesterone pessaries and blood test on the 3rd of October! Fingers crossed it's third time lucky for us.
Friday we went for my second blood test and a scan and were told to prepare to be back in the afternoon for the insemination. Unfortunately, after lunch Shelley from the Clinic called to say my body wasn't quite ready yet and we'd been bumped to Saturday morning. I had to take a trigger shot of Ovidrel to make sure I ovulated on time and then prepare for the insem on Saturday.
Saturday, today, I woke up and wheedled breakfast in bed out of Dave - a cup of tea and some Pop Tarts (I wish they weren't so hard to find and expensive here!). Then Dave produced his sample and we headed to the clinic for our 9:30 arrival.
When we arrived at the clinic (a little late) we had to wait for quite a while before they came and took the sample to be prepped. Then there was another wait while they did that, during which we endured some awful Disney TV show and the inane prattle of the other people in the waiting room. Finally, however, we were led into the procedure room (a different one from the last two times) and told to get ready.
Of course, there was yet another wait after that. I lay on the procedure bench, uncomfortable on my back and impatient for it to be over with, for at least 10 minutes before Dr Swift finally appeared, we did the name & date check, and got down to business.
The moment of truth had finally arrived. Did the surgery a month ago help? I was going to be annoyed if it hadn't. But thankfully, the insemination was blessedly quick. Probably only a minute or two and it was over. Much easier than the last two. I still felt crampy and uncomfortable afterwards but at least there wasn't all the rigmarole I'm used to by now. So - back on two 400mg progesterone pessaries and blood test on the 3rd of October! Fingers crossed it's third time lucky for us.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
IUI Round 3: Update 1
Had the first blood test of Round 3 today. My numbers are looking good but not peaking yet so I'm going back on Friday for another blood test and a scan. I'm still holding out hope that we can do the IUI itself on Monday. Jo the Clinic nurse talked about perhaps giving me a trigger shot on Friday and doing the IUI on Saturday but we'll see what my bloods are like on Friday.
One of my friends gave me this link today. It really resonated with me because a lot of what she talks about I have experienced too. It reminded me that no matter what my situation is, I shouldn't compare myself to those around me. Everyone is dealing with their own lives, their own struggles, and I shouldn't let my experiences affect their experiences and vice versa. It's quite a long post but I really recommend it.
One of my friends gave me this link today. It really resonated with me because a lot of what she talks about I have experienced too. It reminded me that no matter what my situation is, I shouldn't compare myself to those around me. Everyone is dealing with their own lives, their own struggles, and I shouldn't let my experiences affect their experiences and vice versa. It's quite a long post but I really recommend it.
Monday, September 5, 2011
IUI Round 3: A New Beginning
Day 1 of my cycle today means I start my drugs tomorrow. 75IUs of FSH, same as the last round. Dr Swift is happy that the dose is right - last round I produced one excellent follicle at about the right time so fingers crossed we have a similar result this time. And then of course we get to see if the hysteroscopy and D&C and had has helped make the insemination itself easier. I go for my first blood test on Wednesday next week. Fingers crossed we can do the insem on the Monday after that! This round I definitely want to have both I-Day and R-Day off work. Last round on results day I was a complete mess and couldn't focus on anything. If both of those can occur on a Monday then that would be fabulous.
I'm feeling a little more confident this round but also a little more comfortable with whatever the outcome is. It's always a fine line between being positive and building yourself up too much, as anyone in a similar situation would know. So I'm staying positive but also adopting a wait-and-see approach.
I'm feeling a little more confident this round but also a little more comfortable with whatever the outcome is. It's always a fine line between being positive and building yourself up too much, as anyone in a similar situation would know. So I'm staying positive but also adopting a wait-and-see approach.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Surgery Update
I had my surgery yesterday. Well, I suppose it hardly counts as surgery - "surgical procedure" is probably a better way to describe it - but to make it easier and save on explanations I just say "minor surgery".
Anyway...We got picked up by the taxi at 6am to deliver us to the hospital by the 6:30am admission time. We're only about 10 minutes away from the hospital but I'm paranoid about relying on transport options other than my own car so I always leave plenty of time. I filled in a sheaf of forms and we sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes before a nurse came to take me through and Dave trotted off for coffee.
The nurse took me a little admissions room where I filled out yet more forms and had my blood pressure checked. Then I was given a basket to put my clothes in and a stylish paper outfit to change into: paper robe, paper hat, paper booties, and the dreaded paper knickers. They also gave me an old-fashioned cotton gown to wear as a kind of light dressing gown and to keep my back covered up. They weighed me, then I sat in another waiting room swaddled in a lovely warm snuggly blanket and reading Australian Womens Weekly until the anaesthetist came.
The anaesthetitst, Joe Someone - Swartoski? - ran through my anaesthetic prep form with me and then explained he'd be putting a little doodad in the back of my hand or my inner elbow to administer the anaesthetic. I asked him to put it in the back of my hand if he could because my poor elbow veins are getting a bit rough from all my blood tests, and he said he'd see what he could do. Then I was taken through to the theatre and hopped up on the bed and covered with another warm blanket. I guess Joe decided he had to put my anaesthetic in my arm, though, because he said there'd be a little prick there and I felt him put a needle in. I didn't think he'd actually given me the anaesthetic at that point but then the ceiling started swirling round and round and I just managed to glance at the clock to see it was 7:10am before I went out.
About an hour later I woke up in recovery, confused and disoriented and sleepy but actually feeling better than I expected. I didn't feel really groggy and there wasn't too much pain, just a kind of uncomfortable crampy feeling. I lay there for a few minutes to wake up properly and then the nurse brought me my basket of clothes and I got dressed by myself. There was a bit of blood, but nothing a hospital-grade pad couldn't handle.
After I was dressed, I went out to the recovery room (where Dave was already waiting) and sat in a comfy recliner chair and had some sandwiches and a cup of tea and some shortbread. Then the nurse came back and gave me my card with my follow-up appointment booked (in two weeks, on the 29th) and organised our return taxi. We were done and heading home before 9am, an hour and a half earlier than predicted.
I was expecting that I would crash out in the afternoon and have a nap but I felt pretty good all day: I read my New Scientist magazine, played a computer game, watched TV, and just generally relaxed. I felt good enough to help Dave cook a delicious risotto for dinner. I went to bed quite early but didn't manage to get to sleep until around 10:30pm.
Overall I felt that this surgery was much better than previous ones - I know it's not on the same scale as my laparoscopies, but I just generally felt that everything went better than expected for a change. This whole fertility journey has been plagued with things not going according to plan since the start and it was a pleasant change to have something go better than expected!
This morning I woke up quite late and I'm feeling a bit shadier - it's kind of a hungover feeling, my head is a bit fuzzy and I don't really have an appetite. I'm glad I took the extra day to rest and recover. Now we just wait for the follow-up appointment in two weeks and can hopefully go straight into a new IUI cycle right after that! We really want to fit in our last two cycles before the end of the calendar year, because our Medicare Safety Net resets at that point and we get quite a bit more money back while we're over our Safety Net limit. That's also a good time to reassess and determine what the next step is. Even though I want a child very, very, badly, I really can't see myself going through IVF. Coping with the IUIs has been enough of a struggle and IVF is 50 times worse. I'm still not ruling it out 100% (how many times have I said that now?), but the chances of us going to that point are very close to zero. Dave is dead-set against it as well. So I suppose we just have to wait and see what happens with our last IUI cycles.
Anyway...We got picked up by the taxi at 6am to deliver us to the hospital by the 6:30am admission time. We're only about 10 minutes away from the hospital but I'm paranoid about relying on transport options other than my own car so I always leave plenty of time. I filled in a sheaf of forms and we sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes before a nurse came to take me through and Dave trotted off for coffee.
The nurse took me a little admissions room where I filled out yet more forms and had my blood pressure checked. Then I was given a basket to put my clothes in and a stylish paper outfit to change into: paper robe, paper hat, paper booties, and the dreaded paper knickers. They also gave me an old-fashioned cotton gown to wear as a kind of light dressing gown and to keep my back covered up. They weighed me, then I sat in another waiting room swaddled in a lovely warm snuggly blanket and reading Australian Womens Weekly until the anaesthetist came.
The anaesthetitst, Joe Someone - Swartoski? - ran through my anaesthetic prep form with me and then explained he'd be putting a little doodad in the back of my hand or my inner elbow to administer the anaesthetic. I asked him to put it in the back of my hand if he could because my poor elbow veins are getting a bit rough from all my blood tests, and he said he'd see what he could do. Then I was taken through to the theatre and hopped up on the bed and covered with another warm blanket. I guess Joe decided he had to put my anaesthetic in my arm, though, because he said there'd be a little prick there and I felt him put a needle in. I didn't think he'd actually given me the anaesthetic at that point but then the ceiling started swirling round and round and I just managed to glance at the clock to see it was 7:10am before I went out.
About an hour later I woke up in recovery, confused and disoriented and sleepy but actually feeling better than I expected. I didn't feel really groggy and there wasn't too much pain, just a kind of uncomfortable crampy feeling. I lay there for a few minutes to wake up properly and then the nurse brought me my basket of clothes and I got dressed by myself. There was a bit of blood, but nothing a hospital-grade pad couldn't handle.
After I was dressed, I went out to the recovery room (where Dave was already waiting) and sat in a comfy recliner chair and had some sandwiches and a cup of tea and some shortbread. Then the nurse came back and gave me my card with my follow-up appointment booked (in two weeks, on the 29th) and organised our return taxi. We were done and heading home before 9am, an hour and a half earlier than predicted.
I was expecting that I would crash out in the afternoon and have a nap but I felt pretty good all day: I read my New Scientist magazine, played a computer game, watched TV, and just generally relaxed. I felt good enough to help Dave cook a delicious risotto for dinner. I went to bed quite early but didn't manage to get to sleep until around 10:30pm.
Overall I felt that this surgery was much better than previous ones - I know it's not on the same scale as my laparoscopies, but I just generally felt that everything went better than expected for a change. This whole fertility journey has been plagued with things not going according to plan since the start and it was a pleasant change to have something go better than expected!
This morning I woke up quite late and I'm feeling a bit shadier - it's kind of a hungover feeling, my head is a bit fuzzy and I don't really have an appetite. I'm glad I took the extra day to rest and recover. Now we just wait for the follow-up appointment in two weeks and can hopefully go straight into a new IUI cycle right after that! We really want to fit in our last two cycles before the end of the calendar year, because our Medicare Safety Net resets at that point and we get quite a bit more money back while we're over our Safety Net limit. That's also a good time to reassess and determine what the next step is. Even though I want a child very, very, badly, I really can't see myself going through IVF. Coping with the IUIs has been enough of a struggle and IVF is 50 times worse. I'm still not ruling it out 100% (how many times have I said that now?), but the chances of us going to that point are very close to zero. Dave is dead-set against it as well. So I suppose we just have to wait and see what happens with our last IUI cycles.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Surgery Booked
My period started on Wednesday so I booked my next surgery for Monday. Like I said last post, I'm having a hysteroscopy and dilatation to try to make my cervix play ball for our next IUI attempt. I didn't want to take any chances with recovery so I'm having Tuesday off to rest. Monday is my day off anyway so it all works out.
In other news, this evening once most of my coworkers had left one of them came in with her baby. I was talking to the baby and gave him a bit of a cuddle and then when I went back to my desk the office cleaner asked me when I was planning on starting a family. Now, this dude has been coming twice a week to clean our office for the whole time I've been working there (coming up to four years) but I would still barely class him as an acquaintance: I have a chat to him sometimes while he's there but I'm not comfortable discussing personal stuff with him and I feel that he sometimes asks odd, personal questions and generally find him a little bit creepy. So I politely replied, "I don't think that's any of your business." Then he got quite shirty with me for getting so "offended" and kept pushing and pushing, going on about how obviously I liked kids but if I'm that offended then he won't ask again, etc etc. I kind of just ignored him because I was actually really upset. I find it hard to be around babies anyway so I was already feeling a bit down, and to be blindsided with that question when I'm preparing for surgery to continue our fertility treatment was pretty hard for me to handle.
Afterwards though there was this little voice in my head that was telling me I over-reacted. I guess it's so ingrained in me (and possibly in many women) to not rock the boat or offend people (especially men) that I really was starting to feel that I was the one out of line, not him. After a general enquiry on Twitter though I was reassured that my firm yet polite reply was perfectly fine and that his reaction was his problem, not mine - thanks to everyone who replied and supported me, far too many to list you all, but particularly @katagal because I shamelessly stole your wording for this post :)
Anyway, this post has been kind of rambly and point-lacking. I will update again next week after my surgery is done!
In other news, this evening once most of my coworkers had left one of them came in with her baby. I was talking to the baby and gave him a bit of a cuddle and then when I went back to my desk the office cleaner asked me when I was planning on starting a family. Now, this dude has been coming twice a week to clean our office for the whole time I've been working there (coming up to four years) but I would still barely class him as an acquaintance: I have a chat to him sometimes while he's there but I'm not comfortable discussing personal stuff with him and I feel that he sometimes asks odd, personal questions and generally find him a little bit creepy. So I politely replied, "I don't think that's any of your business." Then he got quite shirty with me for getting so "offended" and kept pushing and pushing, going on about how obviously I liked kids but if I'm that offended then he won't ask again, etc etc. I kind of just ignored him because I was actually really upset. I find it hard to be around babies anyway so I was already feeling a bit down, and to be blindsided with that question when I'm preparing for surgery to continue our fertility treatment was pretty hard for me to handle.
Afterwards though there was this little voice in my head that was telling me I over-reacted. I guess it's so ingrained in me (and possibly in many women) to not rock the boat or offend people (especially men) that I really was starting to feel that I was the one out of line, not him. After a general enquiry on Twitter though I was reassured that my firm yet polite reply was perfectly fine and that his reaction was his problem, not mine - thanks to everyone who replied and supported me, far too many to list you all, but particularly @katagal because I shamelessly stole your wording for this post :)
Anyway, this post has been kind of rambly and point-lacking. I will update again next week after my surgery is done!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Situation Update
Today we had our appointment with Dr Swift to discuss options. He suggested that, because our IUI procedures have been difficult, we may want to consider simply moving on to IVF. We explained that we're not really keen on IVF right now and that we'd really prefer to have at least 1 or 2 more rounds of IUI. So, to reduce my stress, make it easier for him, and (hopefully) improve our chances, I need to have yet another surgical procedure, called a hysteroscopy & dilatation.
Basically it's a day procedure in which I get knocked out for about 20 minutes while he sticks yet another video camera inside my vagina to check out my cervix, then he dilates the cervix to try to open it up and keep it more open. Because of where I'm at in my current cycle, he doesn't want to do that this month. So, timing-wise, we wait until my next period starts then call to book that in on the Monday following my period. Then we wait out the rest of that cycle before starting a new IUI cycle. This means that we are having a two-month break, which is probably not a bad thing, with all the other things going on right now.
So that's where we're at. Of course, all our problems could be solved if we would just get pregnant!
Basically it's a day procedure in which I get knocked out for about 20 minutes while he sticks yet another video camera inside my vagina to check out my cervix, then he dilates the cervix to try to open it up and keep it more open. Because of where I'm at in my current cycle, he doesn't want to do that this month. So, timing-wise, we wait until my next period starts then call to book that in on the Monday following my period. Then we wait out the rest of that cycle before starting a new IUI cycle. This means that we are having a two-month break, which is probably not a bad thing, with all the other things going on right now.
So that's where we're at. Of course, all our problems could be solved if we would just get pregnant!
Friday, July 15, 2011
IUI Round 2 Result: Negative
Just in case there is anyone who reads this blog but doesn't follow me on Twitter or have me on Facebook, today's result was unfortunately negative. I'm not going to say any more just yet because I haven't had an opportunity to discuss it properly with Dave yet.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Emotional Rollercoaster
Tonight is my office's annual dinner. I should be getting ready to leave right now. I've been looking forward to it for ages - I bought a snazzy new dress from ASOS, and all week I've been getting more and more excited.
Then, this morning, I crashed. Emotionally. I don't know what triggered it, although I think it is a combination of factors. I've been close to tears all day, and had several crying sessions in the bathroom. I've worked hard to maintain my cheerful facade all day but the cracks are starting to show. It's like I'm wearing a mask, and maintaining that mask takes a lot of effort. I keep it in place all day at work, and I don't have the energy left for social encounters.
This is why I've stopped seeing certain people. This is why I've been skipping social events. I'm just trying to keep myself together enough to function. But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.
Then, this morning, I crashed. Emotionally. I don't know what triggered it, although I think it is a combination of factors. I've been close to tears all day, and had several crying sessions in the bathroom. I've worked hard to maintain my cheerful facade all day but the cracks are starting to show. It's like I'm wearing a mask, and maintaining that mask takes a lot of effort. I keep it in place all day at work, and I don't have the energy left for social encounters.
This is why I've stopped seeing certain people. This is why I've been skipping social events. I'm just trying to keep myself together enough to function. But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.
Friday, July 1, 2011
IUI Round 2: I-Day!
This morning we headed in to the Clinic for the IUI. We dropped off Dave's sperm sample then waited around while it was processed until we could do the procedure itself. Once we were ensconced in the room, Shelley the nurse went over our numbers: my hormone levels were looking really good, Dave's sperm count and motility were really good...in short, everything was good. We went through the process of triple-checking names and dates of birth, then Dr Swift bustled in and we went through the insemination rigmarole all over again.
I was hoping it would be easier this time, but alas, it wasn't to be. But finally, after much prodding, poking, and pinching, the deed was done. He ominously said that if we didn't succeed this time we'd have to have a talk about my cervix, but I wasn't really listening because of the stress and discomfort, so I'm not sure what he meant. I think he was suggesting I might need some sort of surgical procedure to straighten it out.
I questioned the instructions they'd given me for after-care, because they've put me on double the amount of progesterone as last time: one pessary morning and night. Dr Swift said he likes having lots of progesterone anyway, and because my pregnancy test last time showed a lower progesterone than they would like, they're not taking any chances this time. The pessaries are messy and unpleasant and inconvenient, but if they help, I'll do whatever it takes!
After Dr Swift left, Shelley got me some panadol and a glass of water and said there was no rush for us to leave. So I rested for a few minutes and we talked. We agreed that if we do manage to produce a child, we definitely don't want to have to go through this whole process again to produce another. If we get one, we'll be happy. It's very exhausting, emotionally and physically, and very draining. I was happy I made the decision to have the whole day off today.
Now we have another Two Week Wait. We go back on the 15th for the pregnancy blood test. Fingers crossed.
I was hoping it would be easier this time, but alas, it wasn't to be. But finally, after much prodding, poking, and pinching, the deed was done. He ominously said that if we didn't succeed this time we'd have to have a talk about my cervix, but I wasn't really listening because of the stress and discomfort, so I'm not sure what he meant. I think he was suggesting I might need some sort of surgical procedure to straighten it out.
I questioned the instructions they'd given me for after-care, because they've put me on double the amount of progesterone as last time: one pessary morning and night. Dr Swift said he likes having lots of progesterone anyway, and because my pregnancy test last time showed a lower progesterone than they would like, they're not taking any chances this time. The pessaries are messy and unpleasant and inconvenient, but if they help, I'll do whatever it takes!
After Dr Swift left, Shelley got me some panadol and a glass of water and said there was no rush for us to leave. So I rested for a few minutes and we talked. We agreed that if we do manage to produce a child, we definitely don't want to have to go through this whole process again to produce another. If we get one, we'll be happy. It's very exhausting, emotionally and physically, and very draining. I was happy I made the decision to have the whole day off today.
Now we have another Two Week Wait. We go back on the 15th for the pregnancy blood test. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
IUI Round 2: Progress Report 2
I had the scan this morning with Dr Flynn, who had a different technique to Dr Swift, which was a bit off-putting. But otherwise everything went fine. He said I only have one follicle this time, to Dave's great relief, but that it's "a beauty". His recommendation was that I have a trigger injection today and we do the IUI tomorrow, as I suspected we would have to. After the scan, I had another blood test just to check everything was progressing nicely, and they gave me the trigger shot.
At lunchtime the Clinic called and confirmed what I had suspected: I was already beginning to surge so the trigger probably hadn't been necessary, but it didn't hurt either. So we're all go for tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately the timing this round isn't great: we've both ended up having to have a day off due to the time of day, and my work has a whole-company meeting tomorrow for the end of financial year review. But, like my friend pointed out, this is more important. We're at the mercy of my body, and my body says tomorrow is the day!
I'm not feeling as excited and hopeful as last time. It's not that I'm feeling negative, exactly. It's more just a kind of, I don't know, lethargy I guess. I've never been the most patient of people (I heard that!), so I basically just want it to be over and me to be pregnant. Fingers crossed it happens tomorrow!
At lunchtime the Clinic called and confirmed what I had suspected: I was already beginning to surge so the trigger probably hadn't been necessary, but it didn't hurt either. So we're all go for tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately the timing this round isn't great: we've both ended up having to have a day off due to the time of day, and my work has a whole-company meeting tomorrow for the end of financial year review. But, like my friend pointed out, this is more important. We're at the mercy of my body, and my body says tomorrow is the day!
I'm not feeling as excited and hopeful as last time. It's not that I'm feeling negative, exactly. It's more just a kind of, I don't know, lethargy I guess. I've never been the most patient of people (I heard that!), so I basically just want it to be over and me to be pregnant. Fingers crossed it happens tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
IUI Round 2: Progress Report
Day 11 today. I had my first blood test on Monday, Day 9, and my hormone levels were higher than they had been on Day 11 last cycle, so I responded more quickly this time on the higher dose. I had another blood test today, and the clinic has booked an ultrasound scan for me tomorrow morning as it looks like I'm starting to surge. Unfortunately, Dr Swift is away this week due to school holidays, so the scan will be done by another doctor, Dr Flynn. He's in the same clinic as Dr Swift, and is the obstetrician of someone else I know who is pregnant, so I'm sure he'll be fine. But of course there's always a bit of nervousness when you see a new doctor. Hopefully Dr Swift will still be able to do the IUI itself when it happens.
My own feeling, based on my own knowledge of my body, is that the IUI will be on Friday. Not the most convenient time, but never mind: we're at the mercy of my hormones. I'm certain we won't be holding out until Monday.
After the scan tomorrow I have to have another blood test and they will hopefully be able to tell me exactly when we'll be doing the IUI. The blood tests are becoming a drag. My veins seem to be a bit shy, so the nurses tend to use the same one that is a little bolder than the others, but that one has started getting a bit scarred so it is getting painful. The injections each morning are just routine now, though. Who would have thought that jabbing myself with a needle each morning would become so ho-hum?
My own feeling, based on my own knowledge of my body, is that the IUI will be on Friday. Not the most convenient time, but never mind: we're at the mercy of my hormones. I'm certain we won't be holding out until Monday.
After the scan tomorrow I have to have another blood test and they will hopefully be able to tell me exactly when we'll be doing the IUI. The blood tests are becoming a drag. My veins seem to be a bit shy, so the nurses tend to use the same one that is a little bolder than the others, but that one has started getting a bit scarred so it is getting painful. The injections each morning are just routine now, though. Who would have thought that jabbing myself with a needle each morning would become so ho-hum?
Monday, June 20, 2011
IUI Round 2: Starting Again
I got my period yesterday, a little earlier than I was expecting, but that might work out for the good with the timing - we may end up being able to do the IUI on a Monday again, which would be great. Unfortunately, I hadn't dropped in to pick up my drugs for this round yet, so we had a bit of a scramble this morning to go in and get them so I could start my injections again today.
I got a new injection pen, which is easier to use than the last one, and a new set of needles. I did the injection with the new pen in the clinic with Jo while we were there, to make sure I was doing it okay. I'm starting out on 75 IUs this time, so I may respond more quickly. I'm scheduled for my first blood test on Monday.
Overall, I don't feel like I'm in as positive a space as I was last round. It's not that I'm disillusioned with the process itself yet, it's just that I have other stuff going on in my head that's making me feel a bit negative. I miss my home and my family, and I'm going through another phase where it seems like everyone I know is either pregnant or a new parent. My birthday is this week, another reminder that my time is running out, so to speak. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle this cycle. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose!
I got a new injection pen, which is easier to use than the last one, and a new set of needles. I did the injection with the new pen in the clinic with Jo while we were there, to make sure I was doing it okay. I'm starting out on 75 IUs this time, so I may respond more quickly. I'm scheduled for my first blood test on Monday.
Overall, I don't feel like I'm in as positive a space as I was last round. It's not that I'm disillusioned with the process itself yet, it's just that I have other stuff going on in my head that's making me feel a bit negative. I miss my home and my family, and I'm going through another phase where it seems like everyone I know is either pregnant or a new parent. My birthday is this week, another reminder that my time is running out, so to speak. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle this cycle. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
IUI Round 1 Result: Negative
A week or so ago I suddenly started getting really tired, which I thought might have been a positive sign. But then over the weekend I started feeling cranky and had a little spotting, and I just generally got the feeling that my period wanted to come and we weren't successful. By this morning I had pretty much convinced myself that the result was going to be negative, but we went through the blood test process anyway.
A little after 2pm, I got the phone call. Unfortunately, my suspicions were correct. At least I hadn't built myself up so much that the result was a shock. I thought I took the news pretty well - I didn't even cry, which was a surprise.
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. There are several positive things I can take away from the experience. As Mum pointed out, the process is no longer a mystery. My body responded really well to the meds I took before and after the IUI itself, and I produced two "beautiful" follicles and a good thick lining. I also feel like I know my body and my cycle better and have more confidence in that knowledge. And like Jo the Clinic nurse says, the odds on the first cycle are pretty low because they are still adjusting my treatment to suit my body. The odds go up the more cycles we do.
We decided to have a cycle off before we try again. Mostly for financial reasons, but also I'd like to give myself a break emotionally. There's no medical or technical reason why we can't just roll straight into another cycle, but I'd rather take some time to regroup before trying again.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support. I've had so many messages from family members and friends both old and new. It really does mean a lot to know you guys are all looking out for us and sending us positive vibes. Thank you all so much.
(Okay, now I'm getting a bit teary.)
A little after 2pm, I got the phone call. Unfortunately, my suspicions were correct. At least I hadn't built myself up so much that the result was a shock. I thought I took the news pretty well - I didn't even cry, which was a surprise.
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. There are several positive things I can take away from the experience. As Mum pointed out, the process is no longer a mystery. My body responded really well to the meds I took before and after the IUI itself, and I produced two "beautiful" follicles and a good thick lining. I also feel like I know my body and my cycle better and have more confidence in that knowledge. And like Jo the Clinic nurse says, the odds on the first cycle are pretty low because they are still adjusting my treatment to suit my body. The odds go up the more cycles we do.
We decided to have a cycle off before we try again. Mostly for financial reasons, but also I'd like to give myself a break emotionally. There's no medical or technical reason why we can't just roll straight into another cycle, but I'd rather take some time to regroup before trying again.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support. I've had so many messages from family members and friends both old and new. It really does mean a lot to know you guys are all looking out for us and sending us positive vibes. Thank you all so much.
(Okay, now I'm getting a bit teary.)
Monday, May 9, 2011
IUI Round 1: D-Day!
Or should I say, I-Day. On Saturday after my blood test the Clinic said my hormone levels were still going up but it looked like we were safe until today, but they suggested quite matter-of-factly that we "have intercourse" over the weekend, just to be safe. We went back in for another blood test this morning and Jo the clinic nurse thought I'd better have an ultrasound scan to check how many follicles had developed. Dr Swift could squeeze us in for the scan and said everything looked good: I had 2 nicely developed follicles and a nice thick lining and he was predicting that we'd have to do the IUI itself today, but we had to wait for the blood test results to be sure.
At 2pm the Clinic called and confirmed we were on for today, which made me very happy - we both had the day off so it was really good timing. Dave produced his sperm sample and we headed to the Clinic for our 3pm appointment. We had to wait for half an hour to prepare the sample for the insemination, then we went into the lab room and waited for the doctor. The nurse went over what happens next while we waited. It felt like we were waiting for ages but Dr Swift finally turned up. It all felt a bit surreal after that. There was discussion of speculums. And mucus. There was some trouble with the procedure and it took longer than it was supposed to. The doctor had to use a special tool to open up my cervix, which hurt. I was uncomfortable and felt like my legs were going to cramp. But finally, after 15 minutes (instead of the promised 5) we were done. Once again, we were instructed to have sex over the next couple of days. I felt a bit shaky and uncomfortable afterwards and was so happy I could go home and rest.
Now we start the dreaded Two Week Wait. Starting tomorrow, I have to use vaginal pessaries for progesterone as an added precaution - it's possible that one of the reasons we haven't gotten pregnant so far is that my body doesn't produce enough progesterone. So I take these pessaries until they tell me otherwise. If I don't start bleeding, I go back on Tuesday the 24th of May for my pregnancy blood test! If I do start bleeding, I have to call them for further instructions.
I hate waiting.
At 2pm the Clinic called and confirmed we were on for today, which made me very happy - we both had the day off so it was really good timing. Dave produced his sperm sample and we headed to the Clinic for our 3pm appointment. We had to wait for half an hour to prepare the sample for the insemination, then we went into the lab room and waited for the doctor. The nurse went over what happens next while we waited. It felt like we were waiting for ages but Dr Swift finally turned up. It all felt a bit surreal after that. There was discussion of speculums. And mucus. There was some trouble with the procedure and it took longer than it was supposed to. The doctor had to use a special tool to open up my cervix, which hurt. I was uncomfortable and felt like my legs were going to cramp. But finally, after 15 minutes (instead of the promised 5) we were done. Once again, we were instructed to have sex over the next couple of days. I felt a bit shaky and uncomfortable afterwards and was so happy I could go home and rest.
Now we start the dreaded Two Week Wait. Starting tomorrow, I have to use vaginal pessaries for progesterone as an added precaution - it's possible that one of the reasons we haven't gotten pregnant so far is that my body doesn't produce enough progesterone. So I take these pessaries until they tell me otherwise. If I don't start bleeding, I go back on Tuesday the 24th of May for my pregnancy blood test! If I do start bleeding, I have to call them for further instructions.
I hate waiting.
Friday, May 6, 2011
IUI Round 1 Progress Report 1
On Wednesday I had my first ever IUI cycle blood test. Unfortunately, my hormone levels were still fairly low, so Dr Swift suggested I increase my Puregon dosage from 50 IUs to 75, which I started on Thursday. This morning I went back for another blood test and now have matching bruises on the insides of both elbows - people are going to start thinking I'm a druggie or something!
After my test this morning, the Clinic called this afternoon and told me that my hormone levels have started going up - which is good and bad. Good, because it means that I'm responding to the Puregon...But also bad, because the weekend is about to start! They asked me to go back in for another blood test tomorrow morning and warned that if it looks like my hormone levels are about to surge we might have to do the insemination tomorrow. Which would be fine for most people, but of course we both work on Saturdays so it could be logistically tricky. Hopefully my body plays ball and holds off until Monday, as we both have Mondays off, which would make it much easier. But I am unfortunately at the mercy of my hormones.
It's getting exciting and nerve-wracking now that we're approaching D-Day of our first cycle. Statistically, I know that our chances of success are slim, but it's still hard to not be excited. I'm so thankful that we've had such an easy run of it so far - no major side affects, very little fiddling with dosages and so on. Fingers crossed!
After my test this morning, the Clinic called this afternoon and told me that my hormone levels have started going up - which is good and bad. Good, because it means that I'm responding to the Puregon...But also bad, because the weekend is about to start! They asked me to go back in for another blood test tomorrow morning and warned that if it looks like my hormone levels are about to surge we might have to do the insemination tomorrow. Which would be fine for most people, but of course we both work on Saturdays so it could be logistically tricky. Hopefully my body plays ball and holds off until Monday, as we both have Mondays off, which would make it much easier. But I am unfortunately at the mercy of my hormones.
It's getting exciting and nerve-wracking now that we're approaching D-Day of our first cycle. Statistically, I know that our chances of success are slim, but it's still hard to not be excited. I'm so thankful that we've had such an easy run of it so far - no major side affects, very little fiddling with dosages and so on. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
It Has Begun
After a false alarm last week, my period started yesterday and so I started my drugs today. When I called the after hours number for the Clinic yesterday to let the on-duty nurse know, she was very helpful and knew the details of my case immediately. I'm not sure if she was in the Clinic - I guess she probably was, because she could immediately remind me of my dose levels and tell me what day I needed to go in for my first blood test (Wednesday the 4th of May). She also let me know that she would be at the Clinic this morning (today is still a public holiday in Queensland) for those patients that needed blood tests or other assistance, so if I freaked out and didn't think I could handle my first injection on my own I was welcome to go in to the Clinic for help. I was pretty sure I would be fine, but it was nice to know that back-up was there if required.
So this morning I got my little drug kit out and did my first injection. This is the needle:
You can't really tell from that how big it is, but it's about 2cm long. The little book that came with it said I would need alcohol swabs and stuff, but none of the nurses so far have told me I do, they've just said to wash my hands. So I compromised and washed my hands and the injection area with antibacterial soap. I made Dave stand in the room with me for moral support, took a deep breath, and stabbed myself with the needle.
It was completely underwhelming. I hardly felt it at all, the needle is so fine. The area was a little tender afterwards but otherwise it was a bit of a non-event. Still, I've done my first one now, so I know I'm capable of doing the rest. I just have to keep it up every day until next Wednesday.
On Wednesday they'll give me a blood test and also probably an ultrasound to determine how I've reacted to the drugs. I may need additional tests on subsequent days, and will probably need a new supply of drugs and needles (I only have enough to last me until then). Then when they know I'm going to ovulate, it's showtime!
Yesterday I was browsing ThinkGeek when I saw this super-cute baby outfit:
I am totally going to get one of these if we conceive from IUI - it's perfect for babies conceived with a little extra help from science!
So this morning I got my little drug kit out and did my first injection. This is the needle:
You can't really tell from that how big it is, but it's about 2cm long. The little book that came with it said I would need alcohol swabs and stuff, but none of the nurses so far have told me I do, they've just said to wash my hands. So I compromised and washed my hands and the injection area with antibacterial soap. I made Dave stand in the room with me for moral support, took a deep breath, and stabbed myself with the needle.
It was completely underwhelming. I hardly felt it at all, the needle is so fine. The area was a little tender afterwards but otherwise it was a bit of a non-event. Still, I've done my first one now, so I know I'm capable of doing the rest. I just have to keep it up every day until next Wednesday.
On Wednesday they'll give me a blood test and also probably an ultrasound to determine how I've reacted to the drugs. I may need additional tests on subsequent days, and will probably need a new supply of drugs and needles (I only have enough to last me until then). Then when they know I'm going to ovulate, it's showtime!
Yesterday I was browsing ThinkGeek when I saw this super-cute baby outfit:
I am totally going to get one of these if we conceive from IUI - it's perfect for babies conceived with a little extra help from science!
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