The last few days have been pretty dark days for me. I know I ended my last post on a fairly positive note but I've been really struggling to feel that positivity. I keep randomly bursting into tears and I feel drained, wrung-out. I finally recognised what I am feeling this morning: it's grief. Grief for a baby I never managed to create in the first place.
I know intellectually that is irrational, but that's the thing about grief: it's not rational. It hits when you think you have things under control, and is triggered by things that seem completely unrelated on the surface. Everyone is affected by fertility struggles differently, and everyone feels grief differently. This is how I am feeling, and I want to acknowledge that, deal with it, and move on when I am ready.
I know my journey to creating a family is far from over, and as a friend pointed out, there is more than one way to a family. The desire for a family is not something I can just put aside. It's not like I can say, "Okay, well, I can't have children without intensive assistance, oh well, let's move on." I've heard from friends who have also struggled with fertility that this desire never goes away, even when you think that part of your life is over.
Which brings me to my support network. Dave and my parents have been there through every part of this journey so far. My sister and the rest of my extended family have also been hugely supportive. Dave's parents have helped financially. My friends from work, one in particular, have been great. But the most amazing thing is the support I get from random people online in places like this blog, Facebook, and (especially) Twitter. There are two main reasons I blog about this stuff: Firstly, and most importantly, because I want to demystify fertility and help people realise that creating children is not as easy as it seems, and to show people in similar situations that they are not alone. But also, I blog about this because writing about my experience helps me work through what is going on and deal with it. And the responses I've received have been nothing short of fabulous. I've had complete strangers reach out to me who heard about me through a friend of a friend or who happened to see something I tweeted. I've received virtual hugs and plenty of sympathy from so many people. Random people have sent me cute things like baby sloths. Just when I feel at my lowest, a friend sends me a message reminding me that I have people that care about me and hope I am okay.
It may seem like such a tiny thing, flicking off a quick "*hugs*" on Twitter or Facebook, but I tell you, it really does make a world of difference. To know that someone out there is listening and understands you are in pain and wants that pain to stop. People say that social networks are destroying communication and interaction. Well, that's bullshit. I have made some really close friends through Twitter and I get plenty of social interaction. I can type things that I might not ever say out loud. I can throw an SOS into the void and get a dozen responses of support.
So, to everyone out there who has supported us, and me in particular, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
