The last few days have been pretty dark days for me. I know I ended my last post on a fairly positive note but I've been really struggling to feel that positivity. I keep randomly bursting into tears and I feel drained, wrung-out. I finally recognised what I am feeling this morning: it's grief. Grief for a baby I never managed to create in the first place.
I know intellectually that is irrational, but that's the thing about grief: it's not rational. It hits when you think you have things under control, and is triggered by things that seem completely unrelated on the surface. Everyone is affected by fertility struggles differently, and everyone feels grief differently. This is how I am feeling, and I want to acknowledge that, deal with it, and move on when I am ready.
I know my journey to creating a family is far from over, and as a friend pointed out, there is more than one way to a family. The desire for a family is not something I can just put aside. It's not like I can say, "Okay, well, I can't have children without intensive assistance, oh well, let's move on." I've heard from friends who have also struggled with fertility that this desire never goes away, even when you think that part of your life is over.
Which brings me to my support network. Dave and my parents have been there through every part of this journey so far. My sister and the rest of my extended family have also been hugely supportive. Dave's parents have helped financially. My friends from work, one in particular, have been great. But the most amazing thing is the support I get from random people online in places like this blog, Facebook, and (especially) Twitter. There are two main reasons I blog about this stuff: Firstly, and most importantly, because I want to demystify fertility and help people realise that creating children is not as easy as it seems, and to show people in similar situations that they are not alone. But also, I blog about this because writing about my experience helps me work through what is going on and deal with it. And the responses I've received have been nothing short of fabulous. I've had complete strangers reach out to me who heard about me through a friend of a friend or who happened to see something I tweeted. I've received virtual hugs and plenty of sympathy from so many people. Random people have sent me cute things like baby sloths. Just when I feel at my lowest, a friend sends me a message reminding me that I have people that care about me and hope I am okay.
It may seem like such a tiny thing, flicking off a quick "*hugs*" on Twitter or Facebook, but I tell you, it really does make a world of difference. To know that someone out there is listening and understands you are in pain and wants that pain to stop. People say that social networks are destroying communication and interaction. Well, that's bullshit. I have made some really close friends through Twitter and I get plenty of social interaction. I can type things that I might not ever say out loud. I can throw an SOS into the void and get a dozen responses of support.
So, to everyone out there who has supported us, and me in particular, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
IUI Round 4 Result: Negative
I had the blood test on Saturday and unfortunately it was negative. I had suspected that it would be, and thought I was prepared, but the result hit me a lot harder than I expected. I had to flee work and then spent the rest of the afternoon swinging between raging and bawling my eyes out. I tried to make a chocolate cake to make myself feel better and the cake mix exploded everywhere. In short, it was not a very pleasant day!
After discussing the result with each other and with my Mum, we've formulated a plan. We are going to take a year off actively trying to conceive. If we get pregnant in that time with no assistance, great, but it won't be our focus. Instead, we are going to save up for a big overseas trip in September with my parents. It's my Mum's 60th birthday in early September and she is very keen to go to Italy while my sister is there and see some other sights in Europe also. Obviously a Europe trip is very expensive, and so I also suggested an alternative could be Asia. In either case, we will have an extended holiday around that time.
In the mean time, this blog will be fairly quiet. I may occasionally post updates here, but it will essentially be dormant for a while.
If you read my personal blog you'll know I'm a fan of the game Dragon Age II. There was recently new Downloadable Content (DLC) released for this game. While playing through the DLC, you encounter the following quote:
After discussing the result with each other and with my Mum, we've formulated a plan. We are going to take a year off actively trying to conceive. If we get pregnant in that time with no assistance, great, but it won't be our focus. Instead, we are going to save up for a big overseas trip in September with my parents. It's my Mum's 60th birthday in early September and she is very keen to go to Italy while my sister is there and see some other sights in Europe also. Obviously a Europe trip is very expensive, and so I also suggested an alternative could be Asia. In either case, we will have an extended holiday around that time.
In the mean time, this blog will be fairly quiet. I may occasionally post updates here, but it will essentially be dormant for a while.
If you read my personal blog you'll know I'm a fan of the game Dragon Age II. There was recently new Downloadable Content (DLC) released for this game. While playing through the DLC, you encounter the following quote:
In uncertainty, find infinite possibility.
- An old Orlesian sayingI really love this quote and I am making it my touchstone for the following year. I'm uncertain what my future holds, but that simply means there are infinite ways my future can play out.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
IUI Episode IV: A New Hope
(Bonus geek points if you get the title reference).
So. Here we are at our final IUI round of the year. I started my injections on Friday (after a bit of a hiccup forgetting in the morning in the rush to get my dog to the vet - I did my first injection in the evening) and have my first blood test and scan on Friday next week, which will be Day 9. I'm shooting for a Monday insem but as usual, it's not entirely in my control! I feel a bit more blasé about this round, which is surprising because I thought I'd be stressing out that we're up to round 4 with no result. I guess a wait-and-see approach is my only option at this point. So, let's wait and see.
So. Here we are at our final IUI round of the year. I started my injections on Friday (after a bit of a hiccup forgetting in the morning in the rush to get my dog to the vet - I did my first injection in the evening) and have my first blood test and scan on Friday next week, which will be Day 9. I'm shooting for a Monday insem but as usual, it's not entirely in my control! I feel a bit more blasé about this round, which is surprising because I thought I'd be stressing out that we're up to round 4 with no result. I guess a wait-and-see approach is my only option at this point. So, let's wait and see.
Monday, October 3, 2011
IUI Round 3 Result: Negative
Another negative. In my gut I knew that was the result, but there's always that tiny hope that I'm wrong. We tested a day later than normal this cycle and I still hadn't started bleeding but I guess that was just the progesterone. We've decided to go straight into the next cycle, which we've never done before, mainly because of the timing: we have a mini-holiday at the end of November and then after that it's Christmas etc. So we wanted to get in our last try of the year before all that happened.
I haven't lost hope just yet. We have one more round to go before we reassess. In some ways that will make this upcoming round harder to deal with, I think - knowing it's our last try. But of course it's not the end of the road. We could continue with IUI cycles next year. We could get pregnant naturally. We could consider adoption. IVF, at this point, I would only consider if we were in a position financially where I didn't have to work, because I just don't think I could handle the stress and intrusiveness of it. And of course, it's financially out of reach for us right now in any case.
So. One more round to close out the year. Fingers crossed it's fourth time lucky.
I haven't lost hope just yet. We have one more round to go before we reassess. In some ways that will make this upcoming round harder to deal with, I think - knowing it's our last try. But of course it's not the end of the road. We could continue with IUI cycles next year. We could get pregnant naturally. We could consider adoption. IVF, at this point, I would only consider if we were in a position financially where I didn't have to work, because I just don't think I could handle the stress and intrusiveness of it. And of course, it's financially out of reach for us right now in any case.
So. One more round to close out the year. Fingers crossed it's fourth time lucky.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
IUI Round 3: I-Day!
This round started off well and I was feeling pretty good in the prep phase - until I got hit with an awful migraine on Thursday morning. I'm sure this was at least partly triggered by my hormones. I felt like I'd been kicked in the head by a horse and all I could see was stars which is unusual for my migraines - I hardly ever get a visual component. I slept for most of the morning and felt a bit better in the afternoon but still really tired.
Friday we went for my second blood test and a scan and were told to prepare to be back in the afternoon for the insemination. Unfortunately, after lunch Shelley from the Clinic called to say my body wasn't quite ready yet and we'd been bumped to Saturday morning. I had to take a trigger shot of Ovidrel to make sure I ovulated on time and then prepare for the insem on Saturday.
Saturday, today, I woke up and wheedled breakfast in bed out of Dave - a cup of tea and some Pop Tarts (I wish they weren't so hard to find and expensive here!). Then Dave produced his sample and we headed to the clinic for our 9:30 arrival.
When we arrived at the clinic (a little late) we had to wait for quite a while before they came and took the sample to be prepped. Then there was another wait while they did that, during which we endured some awful Disney TV show and the inane prattle of the other people in the waiting room. Finally, however, we were led into the procedure room (a different one from the last two times) and told to get ready.
Of course, there was yet another wait after that. I lay on the procedure bench, uncomfortable on my back and impatient for it to be over with, for at least 10 minutes before Dr Swift finally appeared, we did the name & date check, and got down to business.
The moment of truth had finally arrived. Did the surgery a month ago help? I was going to be annoyed if it hadn't. But thankfully, the insemination was blessedly quick. Probably only a minute or two and it was over. Much easier than the last two. I still felt crampy and uncomfortable afterwards but at least there wasn't all the rigmarole I'm used to by now. So - back on two 400mg progesterone pessaries and blood test on the 3rd of October! Fingers crossed it's third time lucky for us.
Friday we went for my second blood test and a scan and were told to prepare to be back in the afternoon for the insemination. Unfortunately, after lunch Shelley from the Clinic called to say my body wasn't quite ready yet and we'd been bumped to Saturday morning. I had to take a trigger shot of Ovidrel to make sure I ovulated on time and then prepare for the insem on Saturday.
Saturday, today, I woke up and wheedled breakfast in bed out of Dave - a cup of tea and some Pop Tarts (I wish they weren't so hard to find and expensive here!). Then Dave produced his sample and we headed to the clinic for our 9:30 arrival.
When we arrived at the clinic (a little late) we had to wait for quite a while before they came and took the sample to be prepped. Then there was another wait while they did that, during which we endured some awful Disney TV show and the inane prattle of the other people in the waiting room. Finally, however, we were led into the procedure room (a different one from the last two times) and told to get ready.
Of course, there was yet another wait after that. I lay on the procedure bench, uncomfortable on my back and impatient for it to be over with, for at least 10 minutes before Dr Swift finally appeared, we did the name & date check, and got down to business.
The moment of truth had finally arrived. Did the surgery a month ago help? I was going to be annoyed if it hadn't. But thankfully, the insemination was blessedly quick. Probably only a minute or two and it was over. Much easier than the last two. I still felt crampy and uncomfortable afterwards but at least there wasn't all the rigmarole I'm used to by now. So - back on two 400mg progesterone pessaries and blood test on the 3rd of October! Fingers crossed it's third time lucky for us.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
IUI Round 3: Update 1
Had the first blood test of Round 3 today. My numbers are looking good but not peaking yet so I'm going back on Friday for another blood test and a scan. I'm still holding out hope that we can do the IUI itself on Monday. Jo the Clinic nurse talked about perhaps giving me a trigger shot on Friday and doing the IUI on Saturday but we'll see what my bloods are like on Friday.
One of my friends gave me this link today. It really resonated with me because a lot of what she talks about I have experienced too. It reminded me that no matter what my situation is, I shouldn't compare myself to those around me. Everyone is dealing with their own lives, their own struggles, and I shouldn't let my experiences affect their experiences and vice versa. It's quite a long post but I really recommend it.
One of my friends gave me this link today. It really resonated with me because a lot of what she talks about I have experienced too. It reminded me that no matter what my situation is, I shouldn't compare myself to those around me. Everyone is dealing with their own lives, their own struggles, and I shouldn't let my experiences affect their experiences and vice versa. It's quite a long post but I really recommend it.
Monday, September 5, 2011
IUI Round 3: A New Beginning
Day 1 of my cycle today means I start my drugs tomorrow. 75IUs of FSH, same as the last round. Dr Swift is happy that the dose is right - last round I produced one excellent follicle at about the right time so fingers crossed we have a similar result this time. And then of course we get to see if the hysteroscopy and D&C and had has helped make the insemination itself easier. I go for my first blood test on Wednesday next week. Fingers crossed we can do the insem on the Monday after that! This round I definitely want to have both I-Day and R-Day off work. Last round on results day I was a complete mess and couldn't focus on anything. If both of those can occur on a Monday then that would be fabulous.
I'm feeling a little more confident this round but also a little more comfortable with whatever the outcome is. It's always a fine line between being positive and building yourself up too much, as anyone in a similar situation would know. So I'm staying positive but also adopting a wait-and-see approach.
I'm feeling a little more confident this round but also a little more comfortable with whatever the outcome is. It's always a fine line between being positive and building yourself up too much, as anyone in a similar situation would know. So I'm staying positive but also adopting a wait-and-see approach.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Surgery Update
I had my surgery yesterday. Well, I suppose it hardly counts as surgery - "surgical procedure" is probably a better way to describe it - but to make it easier and save on explanations I just say "minor surgery".
Anyway...We got picked up by the taxi at 6am to deliver us to the hospital by the 6:30am admission time. We're only about 10 minutes away from the hospital but I'm paranoid about relying on transport options other than my own car so I always leave plenty of time. I filled in a sheaf of forms and we sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes before a nurse came to take me through and Dave trotted off for coffee.
The nurse took me a little admissions room where I filled out yet more forms and had my blood pressure checked. Then I was given a basket to put my clothes in and a stylish paper outfit to change into: paper robe, paper hat, paper booties, and the dreaded paper knickers. They also gave me an old-fashioned cotton gown to wear as a kind of light dressing gown and to keep my back covered up. They weighed me, then I sat in another waiting room swaddled in a lovely warm snuggly blanket and reading Australian Womens Weekly until the anaesthetist came.
The anaesthetitst, Joe Someone - Swartoski? - ran through my anaesthetic prep form with me and then explained he'd be putting a little doodad in the back of my hand or my inner elbow to administer the anaesthetic. I asked him to put it in the back of my hand if he could because my poor elbow veins are getting a bit rough from all my blood tests, and he said he'd see what he could do. Then I was taken through to the theatre and hopped up on the bed and covered with another warm blanket. I guess Joe decided he had to put my anaesthetic in my arm, though, because he said there'd be a little prick there and I felt him put a needle in. I didn't think he'd actually given me the anaesthetic at that point but then the ceiling started swirling round and round and I just managed to glance at the clock to see it was 7:10am before I went out.
About an hour later I woke up in recovery, confused and disoriented and sleepy but actually feeling better than I expected. I didn't feel really groggy and there wasn't too much pain, just a kind of uncomfortable crampy feeling. I lay there for a few minutes to wake up properly and then the nurse brought me my basket of clothes and I got dressed by myself. There was a bit of blood, but nothing a hospital-grade pad couldn't handle.
After I was dressed, I went out to the recovery room (where Dave was already waiting) and sat in a comfy recliner chair and had some sandwiches and a cup of tea and some shortbread. Then the nurse came back and gave me my card with my follow-up appointment booked (in two weeks, on the 29th) and organised our return taxi. We were done and heading home before 9am, an hour and a half earlier than predicted.
I was expecting that I would crash out in the afternoon and have a nap but I felt pretty good all day: I read my New Scientist magazine, played a computer game, watched TV, and just generally relaxed. I felt good enough to help Dave cook a delicious risotto for dinner. I went to bed quite early but didn't manage to get to sleep until around 10:30pm.
Overall I felt that this surgery was much better than previous ones - I know it's not on the same scale as my laparoscopies, but I just generally felt that everything went better than expected for a change. This whole fertility journey has been plagued with things not going according to plan since the start and it was a pleasant change to have something go better than expected!
This morning I woke up quite late and I'm feeling a bit shadier - it's kind of a hungover feeling, my head is a bit fuzzy and I don't really have an appetite. I'm glad I took the extra day to rest and recover. Now we just wait for the follow-up appointment in two weeks and can hopefully go straight into a new IUI cycle right after that! We really want to fit in our last two cycles before the end of the calendar year, because our Medicare Safety Net resets at that point and we get quite a bit more money back while we're over our Safety Net limit. That's also a good time to reassess and determine what the next step is. Even though I want a child very, very, badly, I really can't see myself going through IVF. Coping with the IUIs has been enough of a struggle and IVF is 50 times worse. I'm still not ruling it out 100% (how many times have I said that now?), but the chances of us going to that point are very close to zero. Dave is dead-set against it as well. So I suppose we just have to wait and see what happens with our last IUI cycles.
Anyway...We got picked up by the taxi at 6am to deliver us to the hospital by the 6:30am admission time. We're only about 10 minutes away from the hospital but I'm paranoid about relying on transport options other than my own car so I always leave plenty of time. I filled in a sheaf of forms and we sat in the waiting room for about 15 minutes before a nurse came to take me through and Dave trotted off for coffee.
The nurse took me a little admissions room where I filled out yet more forms and had my blood pressure checked. Then I was given a basket to put my clothes in and a stylish paper outfit to change into: paper robe, paper hat, paper booties, and the dreaded paper knickers. They also gave me an old-fashioned cotton gown to wear as a kind of light dressing gown and to keep my back covered up. They weighed me, then I sat in another waiting room swaddled in a lovely warm snuggly blanket and reading Australian Womens Weekly until the anaesthetist came.
The anaesthetitst, Joe Someone - Swartoski? - ran through my anaesthetic prep form with me and then explained he'd be putting a little doodad in the back of my hand or my inner elbow to administer the anaesthetic. I asked him to put it in the back of my hand if he could because my poor elbow veins are getting a bit rough from all my blood tests, and he said he'd see what he could do. Then I was taken through to the theatre and hopped up on the bed and covered with another warm blanket. I guess Joe decided he had to put my anaesthetic in my arm, though, because he said there'd be a little prick there and I felt him put a needle in. I didn't think he'd actually given me the anaesthetic at that point but then the ceiling started swirling round and round and I just managed to glance at the clock to see it was 7:10am before I went out.
About an hour later I woke up in recovery, confused and disoriented and sleepy but actually feeling better than I expected. I didn't feel really groggy and there wasn't too much pain, just a kind of uncomfortable crampy feeling. I lay there for a few minutes to wake up properly and then the nurse brought me my basket of clothes and I got dressed by myself. There was a bit of blood, but nothing a hospital-grade pad couldn't handle.
After I was dressed, I went out to the recovery room (where Dave was already waiting) and sat in a comfy recliner chair and had some sandwiches and a cup of tea and some shortbread. Then the nurse came back and gave me my card with my follow-up appointment booked (in two weeks, on the 29th) and organised our return taxi. We were done and heading home before 9am, an hour and a half earlier than predicted.
I was expecting that I would crash out in the afternoon and have a nap but I felt pretty good all day: I read my New Scientist magazine, played a computer game, watched TV, and just generally relaxed. I felt good enough to help Dave cook a delicious risotto for dinner. I went to bed quite early but didn't manage to get to sleep until around 10:30pm.
Overall I felt that this surgery was much better than previous ones - I know it's not on the same scale as my laparoscopies, but I just generally felt that everything went better than expected for a change. This whole fertility journey has been plagued with things not going according to plan since the start and it was a pleasant change to have something go better than expected!
This morning I woke up quite late and I'm feeling a bit shadier - it's kind of a hungover feeling, my head is a bit fuzzy and I don't really have an appetite. I'm glad I took the extra day to rest and recover. Now we just wait for the follow-up appointment in two weeks and can hopefully go straight into a new IUI cycle right after that! We really want to fit in our last two cycles before the end of the calendar year, because our Medicare Safety Net resets at that point and we get quite a bit more money back while we're over our Safety Net limit. That's also a good time to reassess and determine what the next step is. Even though I want a child very, very, badly, I really can't see myself going through IVF. Coping with the IUIs has been enough of a struggle and IVF is 50 times worse. I'm still not ruling it out 100% (how many times have I said that now?), but the chances of us going to that point are very close to zero. Dave is dead-set against it as well. So I suppose we just have to wait and see what happens with our last IUI cycles.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Surgery Booked
My period started on Wednesday so I booked my next surgery for Monday. Like I said last post, I'm having a hysteroscopy and dilatation to try to make my cervix play ball for our next IUI attempt. I didn't want to take any chances with recovery so I'm having Tuesday off to rest. Monday is my day off anyway so it all works out.
In other news, this evening once most of my coworkers had left one of them came in with her baby. I was talking to the baby and gave him a bit of a cuddle and then when I went back to my desk the office cleaner asked me when I was planning on starting a family. Now, this dude has been coming twice a week to clean our office for the whole time I've been working there (coming up to four years) but I would still barely class him as an acquaintance: I have a chat to him sometimes while he's there but I'm not comfortable discussing personal stuff with him and I feel that he sometimes asks odd, personal questions and generally find him a little bit creepy. So I politely replied, "I don't think that's any of your business." Then he got quite shirty with me for getting so "offended" and kept pushing and pushing, going on about how obviously I liked kids but if I'm that offended then he won't ask again, etc etc. I kind of just ignored him because I was actually really upset. I find it hard to be around babies anyway so I was already feeling a bit down, and to be blindsided with that question when I'm preparing for surgery to continue our fertility treatment was pretty hard for me to handle.
Afterwards though there was this little voice in my head that was telling me I over-reacted. I guess it's so ingrained in me (and possibly in many women) to not rock the boat or offend people (especially men) that I really was starting to feel that I was the one out of line, not him. After a general enquiry on Twitter though I was reassured that my firm yet polite reply was perfectly fine and that his reaction was his problem, not mine - thanks to everyone who replied and supported me, far too many to list you all, but particularly @katagal because I shamelessly stole your wording for this post :)
Anyway, this post has been kind of rambly and point-lacking. I will update again next week after my surgery is done!
In other news, this evening once most of my coworkers had left one of them came in with her baby. I was talking to the baby and gave him a bit of a cuddle and then when I went back to my desk the office cleaner asked me when I was planning on starting a family. Now, this dude has been coming twice a week to clean our office for the whole time I've been working there (coming up to four years) but I would still barely class him as an acquaintance: I have a chat to him sometimes while he's there but I'm not comfortable discussing personal stuff with him and I feel that he sometimes asks odd, personal questions and generally find him a little bit creepy. So I politely replied, "I don't think that's any of your business." Then he got quite shirty with me for getting so "offended" and kept pushing and pushing, going on about how obviously I liked kids but if I'm that offended then he won't ask again, etc etc. I kind of just ignored him because I was actually really upset. I find it hard to be around babies anyway so I was already feeling a bit down, and to be blindsided with that question when I'm preparing for surgery to continue our fertility treatment was pretty hard for me to handle.
Afterwards though there was this little voice in my head that was telling me I over-reacted. I guess it's so ingrained in me (and possibly in many women) to not rock the boat or offend people (especially men) that I really was starting to feel that I was the one out of line, not him. After a general enquiry on Twitter though I was reassured that my firm yet polite reply was perfectly fine and that his reaction was his problem, not mine - thanks to everyone who replied and supported me, far too many to list you all, but particularly @katagal because I shamelessly stole your wording for this post :)
Anyway, this post has been kind of rambly and point-lacking. I will update again next week after my surgery is done!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Situation Update
Today we had our appointment with Dr Swift to discuss options. He suggested that, because our IUI procedures have been difficult, we may want to consider simply moving on to IVF. We explained that we're not really keen on IVF right now and that we'd really prefer to have at least 1 or 2 more rounds of IUI. So, to reduce my stress, make it easier for him, and (hopefully) improve our chances, I need to have yet another surgical procedure, called a hysteroscopy & dilatation.
Basically it's a day procedure in which I get knocked out for about 20 minutes while he sticks yet another video camera inside my vagina to check out my cervix, then he dilates the cervix to try to open it up and keep it more open. Because of where I'm at in my current cycle, he doesn't want to do that this month. So, timing-wise, we wait until my next period starts then call to book that in on the Monday following my period. Then we wait out the rest of that cycle before starting a new IUI cycle. This means that we are having a two-month break, which is probably not a bad thing, with all the other things going on right now.
So that's where we're at. Of course, all our problems could be solved if we would just get pregnant!
Basically it's a day procedure in which I get knocked out for about 20 minutes while he sticks yet another video camera inside my vagina to check out my cervix, then he dilates the cervix to try to open it up and keep it more open. Because of where I'm at in my current cycle, he doesn't want to do that this month. So, timing-wise, we wait until my next period starts then call to book that in on the Monday following my period. Then we wait out the rest of that cycle before starting a new IUI cycle. This means that we are having a two-month break, which is probably not a bad thing, with all the other things going on right now.
So that's where we're at. Of course, all our problems could be solved if we would just get pregnant!
Friday, July 15, 2011
IUI Round 2 Result: Negative
Just in case there is anyone who reads this blog but doesn't follow me on Twitter or have me on Facebook, today's result was unfortunately negative. I'm not going to say any more just yet because I haven't had an opportunity to discuss it properly with Dave yet.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Emotional Rollercoaster
Tonight is my office's annual dinner. I should be getting ready to leave right now. I've been looking forward to it for ages - I bought a snazzy new dress from ASOS, and all week I've been getting more and more excited.
Then, this morning, I crashed. Emotionally. I don't know what triggered it, although I think it is a combination of factors. I've been close to tears all day, and had several crying sessions in the bathroom. I've worked hard to maintain my cheerful facade all day but the cracks are starting to show. It's like I'm wearing a mask, and maintaining that mask takes a lot of effort. I keep it in place all day at work, and I don't have the energy left for social encounters.
This is why I've stopped seeing certain people. This is why I've been skipping social events. I'm just trying to keep myself together enough to function. But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.
Then, this morning, I crashed. Emotionally. I don't know what triggered it, although I think it is a combination of factors. I've been close to tears all day, and had several crying sessions in the bathroom. I've worked hard to maintain my cheerful facade all day but the cracks are starting to show. It's like I'm wearing a mask, and maintaining that mask takes a lot of effort. I keep it in place all day at work, and I don't have the energy left for social encounters.
This is why I've stopped seeing certain people. This is why I've been skipping social events. I'm just trying to keep myself together enough to function. But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.
Friday, July 1, 2011
IUI Round 2: I-Day!
This morning we headed in to the Clinic for the IUI. We dropped off Dave's sperm sample then waited around while it was processed until we could do the procedure itself. Once we were ensconced in the room, Shelley the nurse went over our numbers: my hormone levels were looking really good, Dave's sperm count and motility were really good...in short, everything was good. We went through the process of triple-checking names and dates of birth, then Dr Swift bustled in and we went through the insemination rigmarole all over again.
I was hoping it would be easier this time, but alas, it wasn't to be. But finally, after much prodding, poking, and pinching, the deed was done. He ominously said that if we didn't succeed this time we'd have to have a talk about my cervix, but I wasn't really listening because of the stress and discomfort, so I'm not sure what he meant. I think he was suggesting I might need some sort of surgical procedure to straighten it out.
I questioned the instructions they'd given me for after-care, because they've put me on double the amount of progesterone as last time: one pessary morning and night. Dr Swift said he likes having lots of progesterone anyway, and because my pregnancy test last time showed a lower progesterone than they would like, they're not taking any chances this time. The pessaries are messy and unpleasant and inconvenient, but if they help, I'll do whatever it takes!
After Dr Swift left, Shelley got me some panadol and a glass of water and said there was no rush for us to leave. So I rested for a few minutes and we talked. We agreed that if we do manage to produce a child, we definitely don't want to have to go through this whole process again to produce another. If we get one, we'll be happy. It's very exhausting, emotionally and physically, and very draining. I was happy I made the decision to have the whole day off today.
Now we have another Two Week Wait. We go back on the 15th for the pregnancy blood test. Fingers crossed.
I was hoping it would be easier this time, but alas, it wasn't to be. But finally, after much prodding, poking, and pinching, the deed was done. He ominously said that if we didn't succeed this time we'd have to have a talk about my cervix, but I wasn't really listening because of the stress and discomfort, so I'm not sure what he meant. I think he was suggesting I might need some sort of surgical procedure to straighten it out.
I questioned the instructions they'd given me for after-care, because they've put me on double the amount of progesterone as last time: one pessary morning and night. Dr Swift said he likes having lots of progesterone anyway, and because my pregnancy test last time showed a lower progesterone than they would like, they're not taking any chances this time. The pessaries are messy and unpleasant and inconvenient, but if they help, I'll do whatever it takes!
After Dr Swift left, Shelley got me some panadol and a glass of water and said there was no rush for us to leave. So I rested for a few minutes and we talked. We agreed that if we do manage to produce a child, we definitely don't want to have to go through this whole process again to produce another. If we get one, we'll be happy. It's very exhausting, emotionally and physically, and very draining. I was happy I made the decision to have the whole day off today.
Now we have another Two Week Wait. We go back on the 15th for the pregnancy blood test. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
IUI Round 2: Progress Report 2
I had the scan this morning with Dr Flynn, who had a different technique to Dr Swift, which was a bit off-putting. But otherwise everything went fine. He said I only have one follicle this time, to Dave's great relief, but that it's "a beauty". His recommendation was that I have a trigger injection today and we do the IUI tomorrow, as I suspected we would have to. After the scan, I had another blood test just to check everything was progressing nicely, and they gave me the trigger shot.
At lunchtime the Clinic called and confirmed what I had suspected: I was already beginning to surge so the trigger probably hadn't been necessary, but it didn't hurt either. So we're all go for tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately the timing this round isn't great: we've both ended up having to have a day off due to the time of day, and my work has a whole-company meeting tomorrow for the end of financial year review. But, like my friend pointed out, this is more important. We're at the mercy of my body, and my body says tomorrow is the day!
I'm not feeling as excited and hopeful as last time. It's not that I'm feeling negative, exactly. It's more just a kind of, I don't know, lethargy I guess. I've never been the most patient of people (I heard that!), so I basically just want it to be over and me to be pregnant. Fingers crossed it happens tomorrow!
At lunchtime the Clinic called and confirmed what I had suspected: I was already beginning to surge so the trigger probably hadn't been necessary, but it didn't hurt either. So we're all go for tomorrow morning.
Unfortunately the timing this round isn't great: we've both ended up having to have a day off due to the time of day, and my work has a whole-company meeting tomorrow for the end of financial year review. But, like my friend pointed out, this is more important. We're at the mercy of my body, and my body says tomorrow is the day!
I'm not feeling as excited and hopeful as last time. It's not that I'm feeling negative, exactly. It's more just a kind of, I don't know, lethargy I guess. I've never been the most patient of people (I heard that!), so I basically just want it to be over and me to be pregnant. Fingers crossed it happens tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
IUI Round 2: Progress Report
Day 11 today. I had my first blood test on Monday, Day 9, and my hormone levels were higher than they had been on Day 11 last cycle, so I responded more quickly this time on the higher dose. I had another blood test today, and the clinic has booked an ultrasound scan for me tomorrow morning as it looks like I'm starting to surge. Unfortunately, Dr Swift is away this week due to school holidays, so the scan will be done by another doctor, Dr Flynn. He's in the same clinic as Dr Swift, and is the obstetrician of someone else I know who is pregnant, so I'm sure he'll be fine. But of course there's always a bit of nervousness when you see a new doctor. Hopefully Dr Swift will still be able to do the IUI itself when it happens.
My own feeling, based on my own knowledge of my body, is that the IUI will be on Friday. Not the most convenient time, but never mind: we're at the mercy of my hormones. I'm certain we won't be holding out until Monday.
After the scan tomorrow I have to have another blood test and they will hopefully be able to tell me exactly when we'll be doing the IUI. The blood tests are becoming a drag. My veins seem to be a bit shy, so the nurses tend to use the same one that is a little bolder than the others, but that one has started getting a bit scarred so it is getting painful. The injections each morning are just routine now, though. Who would have thought that jabbing myself with a needle each morning would become so ho-hum?
My own feeling, based on my own knowledge of my body, is that the IUI will be on Friday. Not the most convenient time, but never mind: we're at the mercy of my hormones. I'm certain we won't be holding out until Monday.
After the scan tomorrow I have to have another blood test and they will hopefully be able to tell me exactly when we'll be doing the IUI. The blood tests are becoming a drag. My veins seem to be a bit shy, so the nurses tend to use the same one that is a little bolder than the others, but that one has started getting a bit scarred so it is getting painful. The injections each morning are just routine now, though. Who would have thought that jabbing myself with a needle each morning would become so ho-hum?
Monday, June 20, 2011
IUI Round 2: Starting Again
I got my period yesterday, a little earlier than I was expecting, but that might work out for the good with the timing - we may end up being able to do the IUI on a Monday again, which would be great. Unfortunately, I hadn't dropped in to pick up my drugs for this round yet, so we had a bit of a scramble this morning to go in and get them so I could start my injections again today.
I got a new injection pen, which is easier to use than the last one, and a new set of needles. I did the injection with the new pen in the clinic with Jo while we were there, to make sure I was doing it okay. I'm starting out on 75 IUs this time, so I may respond more quickly. I'm scheduled for my first blood test on Monday.
Overall, I don't feel like I'm in as positive a space as I was last round. It's not that I'm disillusioned with the process itself yet, it's just that I have other stuff going on in my head that's making me feel a bit negative. I miss my home and my family, and I'm going through another phase where it seems like everyone I know is either pregnant or a new parent. My birthday is this week, another reminder that my time is running out, so to speak. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle this cycle. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose!
I got a new injection pen, which is easier to use than the last one, and a new set of needles. I did the injection with the new pen in the clinic with Jo while we were there, to make sure I was doing it okay. I'm starting out on 75 IUs this time, so I may respond more quickly. I'm scheduled for my first blood test on Monday.
Overall, I don't feel like I'm in as positive a space as I was last round. It's not that I'm disillusioned with the process itself yet, it's just that I have other stuff going on in my head that's making me feel a bit negative. I miss my home and my family, and I'm going through another phase where it seems like everyone I know is either pregnant or a new parent. My birthday is this week, another reminder that my time is running out, so to speak. I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle this cycle. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
IUI Round 1 Result: Negative
A week or so ago I suddenly started getting really tired, which I thought might have been a positive sign. But then over the weekend I started feeling cranky and had a little spotting, and I just generally got the feeling that my period wanted to come and we weren't successful. By this morning I had pretty much convinced myself that the result was going to be negative, but we went through the blood test process anyway.
A little after 2pm, I got the phone call. Unfortunately, my suspicions were correct. At least I hadn't built myself up so much that the result was a shock. I thought I took the news pretty well - I didn't even cry, which was a surprise.
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. There are several positive things I can take away from the experience. As Mum pointed out, the process is no longer a mystery. My body responded really well to the meds I took before and after the IUI itself, and I produced two "beautiful" follicles and a good thick lining. I also feel like I know my body and my cycle better and have more confidence in that knowledge. And like Jo the Clinic nurse says, the odds on the first cycle are pretty low because they are still adjusting my treatment to suit my body. The odds go up the more cycles we do.
We decided to have a cycle off before we try again. Mostly for financial reasons, but also I'd like to give myself a break emotionally. There's no medical or technical reason why we can't just roll straight into another cycle, but I'd rather take some time to regroup before trying again.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support. I've had so many messages from family members and friends both old and new. It really does mean a lot to know you guys are all looking out for us and sending us positive vibes. Thank you all so much.
(Okay, now I'm getting a bit teary.)
A little after 2pm, I got the phone call. Unfortunately, my suspicions were correct. At least I hadn't built myself up so much that the result was a shock. I thought I took the news pretty well - I didn't even cry, which was a surprise.
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. There are several positive things I can take away from the experience. As Mum pointed out, the process is no longer a mystery. My body responded really well to the meds I took before and after the IUI itself, and I produced two "beautiful" follicles and a good thick lining. I also feel like I know my body and my cycle better and have more confidence in that knowledge. And like Jo the Clinic nurse says, the odds on the first cycle are pretty low because they are still adjusting my treatment to suit my body. The odds go up the more cycles we do.
We decided to have a cycle off before we try again. Mostly for financial reasons, but also I'd like to give myself a break emotionally. There's no medical or technical reason why we can't just roll straight into another cycle, but I'd rather take some time to regroup before trying again.
I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support. I've had so many messages from family members and friends both old and new. It really does mean a lot to know you guys are all looking out for us and sending us positive vibes. Thank you all so much.
(Okay, now I'm getting a bit teary.)
Monday, May 9, 2011
IUI Round 1: D-Day!
Or should I say, I-Day. On Saturday after my blood test the Clinic said my hormone levels were still going up but it looked like we were safe until today, but they suggested quite matter-of-factly that we "have intercourse" over the weekend, just to be safe. We went back in for another blood test this morning and Jo the clinic nurse thought I'd better have an ultrasound scan to check how many follicles had developed. Dr Swift could squeeze us in for the scan and said everything looked good: I had 2 nicely developed follicles and a nice thick lining and he was predicting that we'd have to do the IUI itself today, but we had to wait for the blood test results to be sure.
At 2pm the Clinic called and confirmed we were on for today, which made me very happy - we both had the day off so it was really good timing. Dave produced his sperm sample and we headed to the Clinic for our 3pm appointment. We had to wait for half an hour to prepare the sample for the insemination, then we went into the lab room and waited for the doctor. The nurse went over what happens next while we waited. It felt like we were waiting for ages but Dr Swift finally turned up. It all felt a bit surreal after that. There was discussion of speculums. And mucus. There was some trouble with the procedure and it took longer than it was supposed to. The doctor had to use a special tool to open up my cervix, which hurt. I was uncomfortable and felt like my legs were going to cramp. But finally, after 15 minutes (instead of the promised 5) we were done. Once again, we were instructed to have sex over the next couple of days. I felt a bit shaky and uncomfortable afterwards and was so happy I could go home and rest.
Now we start the dreaded Two Week Wait. Starting tomorrow, I have to use vaginal pessaries for progesterone as an added precaution - it's possible that one of the reasons we haven't gotten pregnant so far is that my body doesn't produce enough progesterone. So I take these pessaries until they tell me otherwise. If I don't start bleeding, I go back on Tuesday the 24th of May for my pregnancy blood test! If I do start bleeding, I have to call them for further instructions.
I hate waiting.
At 2pm the Clinic called and confirmed we were on for today, which made me very happy - we both had the day off so it was really good timing. Dave produced his sperm sample and we headed to the Clinic for our 3pm appointment. We had to wait for half an hour to prepare the sample for the insemination, then we went into the lab room and waited for the doctor. The nurse went over what happens next while we waited. It felt like we were waiting for ages but Dr Swift finally turned up. It all felt a bit surreal after that. There was discussion of speculums. And mucus. There was some trouble with the procedure and it took longer than it was supposed to. The doctor had to use a special tool to open up my cervix, which hurt. I was uncomfortable and felt like my legs were going to cramp. But finally, after 15 minutes (instead of the promised 5) we were done. Once again, we were instructed to have sex over the next couple of days. I felt a bit shaky and uncomfortable afterwards and was so happy I could go home and rest.
Now we start the dreaded Two Week Wait. Starting tomorrow, I have to use vaginal pessaries for progesterone as an added precaution - it's possible that one of the reasons we haven't gotten pregnant so far is that my body doesn't produce enough progesterone. So I take these pessaries until they tell me otherwise. If I don't start bleeding, I go back on Tuesday the 24th of May for my pregnancy blood test! If I do start bleeding, I have to call them for further instructions.
I hate waiting.
Friday, May 6, 2011
IUI Round 1 Progress Report 1
On Wednesday I had my first ever IUI cycle blood test. Unfortunately, my hormone levels were still fairly low, so Dr Swift suggested I increase my Puregon dosage from 50 IUs to 75, which I started on Thursday. This morning I went back for another blood test and now have matching bruises on the insides of both elbows - people are going to start thinking I'm a druggie or something!
After my test this morning, the Clinic called this afternoon and told me that my hormone levels have started going up - which is good and bad. Good, because it means that I'm responding to the Puregon...But also bad, because the weekend is about to start! They asked me to go back in for another blood test tomorrow morning and warned that if it looks like my hormone levels are about to surge we might have to do the insemination tomorrow. Which would be fine for most people, but of course we both work on Saturdays so it could be logistically tricky. Hopefully my body plays ball and holds off until Monday, as we both have Mondays off, which would make it much easier. But I am unfortunately at the mercy of my hormones.
It's getting exciting and nerve-wracking now that we're approaching D-Day of our first cycle. Statistically, I know that our chances of success are slim, but it's still hard to not be excited. I'm so thankful that we've had such an easy run of it so far - no major side affects, very little fiddling with dosages and so on. Fingers crossed!
After my test this morning, the Clinic called this afternoon and told me that my hormone levels have started going up - which is good and bad. Good, because it means that I'm responding to the Puregon...But also bad, because the weekend is about to start! They asked me to go back in for another blood test tomorrow morning and warned that if it looks like my hormone levels are about to surge we might have to do the insemination tomorrow. Which would be fine for most people, but of course we both work on Saturdays so it could be logistically tricky. Hopefully my body plays ball and holds off until Monday, as we both have Mondays off, which would make it much easier. But I am unfortunately at the mercy of my hormones.
It's getting exciting and nerve-wracking now that we're approaching D-Day of our first cycle. Statistically, I know that our chances of success are slim, but it's still hard to not be excited. I'm so thankful that we've had such an easy run of it so far - no major side affects, very little fiddling with dosages and so on. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
It Has Begun
After a false alarm last week, my period started yesterday and so I started my drugs today. When I called the after hours number for the Clinic yesterday to let the on-duty nurse know, she was very helpful and knew the details of my case immediately. I'm not sure if she was in the Clinic - I guess she probably was, because she could immediately remind me of my dose levels and tell me what day I needed to go in for my first blood test (Wednesday the 4th of May). She also let me know that she would be at the Clinic this morning (today is still a public holiday in Queensland) for those patients that needed blood tests or other assistance, so if I freaked out and didn't think I could handle my first injection on my own I was welcome to go in to the Clinic for help. I was pretty sure I would be fine, but it was nice to know that back-up was there if required.
So this morning I got my little drug kit out and did my first injection. This is the needle:
You can't really tell from that how big it is, but it's about 2cm long. The little book that came with it said I would need alcohol swabs and stuff, but none of the nurses so far have told me I do, they've just said to wash my hands. So I compromised and washed my hands and the injection area with antibacterial soap. I made Dave stand in the room with me for moral support, took a deep breath, and stabbed myself with the needle.
It was completely underwhelming. I hardly felt it at all, the needle is so fine. The area was a little tender afterwards but otherwise it was a bit of a non-event. Still, I've done my first one now, so I know I'm capable of doing the rest. I just have to keep it up every day until next Wednesday.
On Wednesday they'll give me a blood test and also probably an ultrasound to determine how I've reacted to the drugs. I may need additional tests on subsequent days, and will probably need a new supply of drugs and needles (I only have enough to last me until then). Then when they know I'm going to ovulate, it's showtime!
Yesterday I was browsing ThinkGeek when I saw this super-cute baby outfit:
I am totally going to get one of these if we conceive from IUI - it's perfect for babies conceived with a little extra help from science!
So this morning I got my little drug kit out and did my first injection. This is the needle:
You can't really tell from that how big it is, but it's about 2cm long. The little book that came with it said I would need alcohol swabs and stuff, but none of the nurses so far have told me I do, they've just said to wash my hands. So I compromised and washed my hands and the injection area with antibacterial soap. I made Dave stand in the room with me for moral support, took a deep breath, and stabbed myself with the needle.
It was completely underwhelming. I hardly felt it at all, the needle is so fine. The area was a little tender afterwards but otherwise it was a bit of a non-event. Still, I've done my first one now, so I know I'm capable of doing the rest. I just have to keep it up every day until next Wednesday.
On Wednesday they'll give me a blood test and also probably an ultrasound to determine how I've reacted to the drugs. I may need additional tests on subsequent days, and will probably need a new supply of drugs and needles (I only have enough to last me until then). Then when they know I'm going to ovulate, it's showtime!
Yesterday I was browsing ThinkGeek when I saw this super-cute baby outfit:
I am totally going to get one of these if we conceive from IUI - it's perfect for babies conceived with a little extra help from science!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll
After our appointment last week, Jo the Clinic nurse called and asked for Dave to do another semen analysis, because his last one was nearly a year ago and he's on medication now that he wasn't on last time. So we dropped that off today.
The thing with a sperm test is that they give you quite strict instructions on when the man has to have previously, uh, ejaculated. Which I think we are dealing with okay at the moment. Some men have trouble with sperm tests, because they take it kind of personally. Dave seems to be coping fine, though. But he does have the emotional range of a teaspoon, so who really knows what's going on in his head?*
Seeing as we were in the Clinic anyway, we dropped off our new referrals and our consent forms and picked up my drugs. I'm going to be on a drug called Puregon, 50 IUs a day. It comes in this fat pen, and I have to keep it in the fridge. On day 2 of my next cycle, I have to start injecting it in my abdomen every morning. The needle is about 2cm long. They give me several needles and a sharps disposal container. It all came in this little cooler bag package, very flash. I'm a little bit nervous about the injections, because I've never injected myself before, but hopefully I'll be fine.
Now that we're getting all these fancy gadgets and instructions and actually doing something, I feel almost excited about the whole process. I find it quite interesting, learning about the hows and whys of it all. I'm sure if we have to go through several months of this I'll be over it, but starting out I'm feeling pretty good.
In other news, a few weeks ago I ordered a Goddess of Abundance pendant from DragonWeave (the large one, first item on the linked page). I got it in moonstone, because not only is that my birthstone, it's also tied to fertility because of its link with the moon. I hadn't been wearing it, because I thought I needed to go buy a cord or something for it. But in the middle of the night last night I had an epiphany - I had the perfect chain for it already: a silver twisted rope chain that belonged to my Nana, who had seven children of her own. I'm usually a fairly sceptical person, but I do have hippie-ish tendencies, and as Dave said, "It can't hurt."
I haven't said anything about rock n' roll, have I? Hmm. Well, I did buy a Flight of the Conchords CD this week to listen to in the car, so that counts, right?
*I tell him this frequently, and he read this post before I submitted it. So don't worry, Mum!
The thing with a sperm test is that they give you quite strict instructions on when the man has to have previously, uh, ejaculated. Which I think we are dealing with okay at the moment. Some men have trouble with sperm tests, because they take it kind of personally. Dave seems to be coping fine, though. But he does have the emotional range of a teaspoon, so who really knows what's going on in his head?*
Seeing as we were in the Clinic anyway, we dropped off our new referrals and our consent forms and picked up my drugs. I'm going to be on a drug called Puregon, 50 IUs a day. It comes in this fat pen, and I have to keep it in the fridge. On day 2 of my next cycle, I have to start injecting it in my abdomen every morning. The needle is about 2cm long. They give me several needles and a sharps disposal container. It all came in this little cooler bag package, very flash. I'm a little bit nervous about the injections, because I've never injected myself before, but hopefully I'll be fine.
Now that we're getting all these fancy gadgets and instructions and actually doing something, I feel almost excited about the whole process. I find it quite interesting, learning about the hows and whys of it all. I'm sure if we have to go through several months of this I'll be over it, but starting out I'm feeling pretty good.
In other news, a few weeks ago I ordered a Goddess of Abundance pendant from DragonWeave (the large one, first item on the linked page). I got it in moonstone, because not only is that my birthstone, it's also tied to fertility because of its link with the moon. I hadn't been wearing it, because I thought I needed to go buy a cord or something for it. But in the middle of the night last night I had an epiphany - I had the perfect chain for it already: a silver twisted rope chain that belonged to my Nana, who had seven children of her own. I'm usually a fairly sceptical person, but I do have hippie-ish tendencies, and as Dave said, "It can't hurt."
I haven't said anything about rock n' roll, have I? Hmm. Well, I did buy a Flight of the Conchords CD this week to listen to in the car, so that counts, right?
*I tell him this frequently, and he read this post before I submitted it. So don't worry, Mum!
Monday, April 4, 2011
IUI Registration - Now with 200% more gladiator battles!
After weighing up our options, we've decided to try IUI. It's less invasive (and much cheaper) than IVF, and the general consensus seems to be that because we are lucky enough to have the option, we should take advantage of that.
So today we had our registration appointment with the IVF clinic, Fertility Gold Coast. This is the clinic that my OB/GYN, Dr Swift, is associated with. I've read books and blogs and so on that suggest you do research on several clinics before picking one that suits your needs, but I'm happy with Dr Swift so we decided to stick to this clinic for now. The nurses so far have been very good, I think it's the main clinic on the Gold Coast, and so barring anything terrible happening I think we'll just stick with this one.
The nurse, Jo, ran through everything with us and gave us (me) a rather large booklet to read. She explained the fees and the tests and the process we'll have to go through. We had to pay a registration fee of $195 today, which covers all their administration expenses (like the booklets) and so on. It's a one-off clinic fee, so no matter how many IUI cycles we go through, or even if we move on to IVF, we won't have to pay it again, which is good. However, it's not claimable through private health or Medicare.
Jo went over a "normal" menstrual cycle with us so she could explain the difference between that and what we'll be doing. All old news for me of course, I'm not sure how much Dave knows about menstrual cycles but he's definitely learning more than most guys probably feel comfortable with. The only thing of note was the way she described the egg follicles which develop in cohorts until one becomes dominant and ovulates and the rest die off. It sounded like my ovaries are staging a gladiator-style tournament each month with a last-egg-standing type outcome. After that she explained the different drugs that could be used and said that they will be using FSH for me. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) is the hormone my body produces naturally to, uh, stimulate the follicles (duh). They just dose me up to stimulate them a bit more. She asked if I will be injecting my own drugs and Dave agitatedly said, "I'm certainly not doing it!" He was imagining the scene in Inconceivable where Sam is injecting an orange as practice. Luckily, the injections go in my abdomen, not my bum, so I can do them myself.
After that, she took some blood from both of us for routine screening tests for infectious diseases and also basic chromosome testing to make sure we don't have any wonky chromosomes which could also be stopping us getting pregnant. Then she made sure we understood what happens now.
This is what is going to happen:
So today we had our registration appointment with the IVF clinic, Fertility Gold Coast. This is the clinic that my OB/GYN, Dr Swift, is associated with. I've read books and blogs and so on that suggest you do research on several clinics before picking one that suits your needs, but I'm happy with Dr Swift so we decided to stick to this clinic for now. The nurses so far have been very good, I think it's the main clinic on the Gold Coast, and so barring anything terrible happening I think we'll just stick with this one.
The nurse, Jo, ran through everything with us and gave us (me) a rather large booklet to read. She explained the fees and the tests and the process we'll have to go through. We had to pay a registration fee of $195 today, which covers all their administration expenses (like the booklets) and so on. It's a one-off clinic fee, so no matter how many IUI cycles we go through, or even if we move on to IVF, we won't have to pay it again, which is good. However, it's not claimable through private health or Medicare.
Jo went over a "normal" menstrual cycle with us so she could explain the difference between that and what we'll be doing. All old news for me of course, I'm not sure how much Dave knows about menstrual cycles but he's definitely learning more than most guys probably feel comfortable with. The only thing of note was the way she described the egg follicles which develop in cohorts until one becomes dominant and ovulates and the rest die off. It sounded like my ovaries are staging a gladiator-style tournament each month with a last-egg-standing type outcome. After that she explained the different drugs that could be used and said that they will be using FSH for me. FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) is the hormone my body produces naturally to, uh, stimulate the follicles (duh). They just dose me up to stimulate them a bit more. She asked if I will be injecting my own drugs and Dave agitatedly said, "I'm certainly not doing it!" He was imagining the scene in Inconceivable where Sam is injecting an orange as practice. Luckily, the injections go in my abdomen, not my bum, so I can do them myself.
After that, she took some blood from both of us for routine screening tests for infectious diseases and also basic chromosome testing to make sure we don't have any wonky chromosomes which could also be stopping us getting pregnant. Then she made sure we understood what happens now.
This is what is going to happen:
- At some point in the next week or two I have to drop off our consent forms and a new referral (the referral system is ridiculous I must say - I have an ongoing medical condition that my GP is having no influence in managing and yet I still need them to sign a piece of paper that says I need treatment) and pick up my drugs. One of the nurses will show me how to do my injections at that point.
- On Day 1 of my next cycle (helpfully due on Easter Friday, naturally) I have to call the clinic (or their after-hours number) and tell them my cycle has started and I'll be starting my drugs.
- On Day 2 of my next cycle, I start injecting my drugs.
- On Day 9, I go in for my first blood test. They'll test my hormone levels and give me an ultrasound to look at the lining of my uterus and make sure everything is progressing as expected. They'll also check how many follicles are developing: they aim for 1-3, but if there are more than that (or none) the cycle is cancelled and we don't have to pay anything for it. This is to reduce the risk of multiples. Potential triplets is scary enough, thanks!
- Depending on how the Day 9 tests go, I might need more blood tests and another ultrasound, or they might already know when I'm going to ovulate.
- Once they know when I'm about to ovulate, Dave gives a sperm sample, they wash it and spin it so it's concentrated and the sperm are all excited (maybe they know something cool is about to happen?) and then they inject me with his sperm who race up to meet my egg and have another gladiator-style battle with one victorious sperm becoming half our baby.
- 15 days after insemination, they give me a pregnancy test. If it's successful, they give another a week later. Then 2 weeks after that I get a scan to make sure the embryo is implanted in the right place and has a heartbeat.
- If we aren't successful, we can try again straight away or we can have a break if we want. Dr Swift has recommended no more than 3 cycles before we move on to IVF.
So that's it. Barring a miracle this month, we start our assisted conception journey on Easter weekend - a positive sign, I think, considering Easter was originally a Spring fertility festival. I'm not going to put too much into that, but forgive me for taking it as a sign that this is the right time.
I'd also like to take a moment to thank our parents for their support in all ways (including financially). I don't know if Dave's parents read this blog (I'm pretty sure my Mum reads it - hi, Mum!), but thank you to all four of you for your support - it really does mean a lot.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Options
We had the post-op follow-up with Dr Swift on Friday. He ran through the photos he took, what he found, and what pathology told him. What he thought was a cyst on my left ovary was simply the blown follicle from when I had ovulated last. There was another small cyst behind my uterus that was benign. Several spots of endometrial cells. Lots of adhesions. Luckily, my fallopian tubes are clear, and there's nothing wrong with the inside of my uterus. The only thing that hasn't been looked at is my egg quality, but we won't get a chance to do that unless we do IVF. There's technically no reason why I can't get pregnant that they can see.
And yet, I'm still not. So he laid out our options:
IUI: Intra-uterine insemination, also known as artificial insemination. The less invasive and cheaper option: $1020 with about half back from Medicare. Basically, they stimulate my ovaries to make sure I ovulate, then when they are sure I've ovulated, they inject me with some of Dave's sperm. It's basically super-charged sex, and makes sure the sperm is in the right place at the right time. The success rate per cycle is around 10-15%, but about 40% of couples conceive after 4 cycles of IUI, after which the odds drop significantly.
IVF: In-viro fertilisation. Probably the most well-known infertility treatment. Much more invasive, and much more expensive: $7,251, with, again, around half back from Medicare. With IVF, my reproductive system is basically shut down and then rebooted with a super-charger: I'm given medication to make me produce many eggs, instead of the usual one. Then my eggs are extracted, they take a look at them and choose the best half-dozen or so, then they take Dave's best sperm and fertilise my eggs. Then, they choose the best embryos, implant one or two of them (it's against regulations to implant more than two in Australia except in very extenuating circumstances), and freeze the rest in case the first try fails. The success rate per cycle is about 40%.
It seems the best plan of attack will be to try 4 cycles of IUI, and then move on to IVF if that doesn't succeed. We still need to do some more research, and discuss the options with our parents and others who have been through similar situations. We can't do anything at all for another 6 weeks or so, to give my body time to heal from the surgery. So we have a bit of time to consider our options.
If you've been through fertility problems, I would love to hear from you!
And yet, I'm still not. So he laid out our options:
IUI: Intra-uterine insemination, also known as artificial insemination. The less invasive and cheaper option: $1020 with about half back from Medicare. Basically, they stimulate my ovaries to make sure I ovulate, then when they are sure I've ovulated, they inject me with some of Dave's sperm. It's basically super-charged sex, and makes sure the sperm is in the right place at the right time. The success rate per cycle is around 10-15%, but about 40% of couples conceive after 4 cycles of IUI, after which the odds drop significantly.
IVF: In-viro fertilisation. Probably the most well-known infertility treatment. Much more invasive, and much more expensive: $7,251, with, again, around half back from Medicare. With IVF, my reproductive system is basically shut down and then rebooted with a super-charger: I'm given medication to make me produce many eggs, instead of the usual one. Then my eggs are extracted, they take a look at them and choose the best half-dozen or so, then they take Dave's best sperm and fertilise my eggs. Then, they choose the best embryos, implant one or two of them (it's against regulations to implant more than two in Australia except in very extenuating circumstances), and freeze the rest in case the first try fails. The success rate per cycle is about 40%.
It seems the best plan of attack will be to try 4 cycles of IUI, and then move on to IVF if that doesn't succeed. We still need to do some more research, and discuss the options with our parents and others who have been through similar situations. We can't do anything at all for another 6 weeks or so, to give my body time to heal from the surgery. So we have a bit of time to consider our options.
If you've been through fertility problems, I would love to hear from you!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Vulnerability
Today I spent 10 minutes crying in the bathroom at work.
I guess my emotional state is not as stable as I thought it was. Here's what happened: I had a difficult conversation with a customer that left me upset and angry. Immediately after I got off the phone, I found out that someone I know is pregnant with her second child.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my friend and excited about her baby. But it was just one more thing on top of everything else: recovery from surgery, uncertainty about what our next step is, stress from a busy job that is getting busier, emotional confusion over all the other people I know who are currently pregnant, and the angry customer leaving me raw. Finding out yet another person is pregnant was all too much.
I was upset because it's not me that's pregnant. I was angry with myself for letting my guard down. I was angry with myself for getting over-emotional at work. I was angry with myself for being upset that my friend is pregnant and I'm not. I was happy for my friend. I was embarrassed that I was crying. I was worried that someone might find out. I was confused over this roil of emotion that greeted the news. I felt myself breaking down and ran for the bathroom.
I'm a messy crier. My face and neck go all red and blotchy. I'm also a noisy crier. I was terrified that someone would find out I was crying, because then I'd have to explain, and then I'd have to add worry that they wouldn't understand to the list. So I hid in the bathroom until the blotchiness subsided, my tears dried, and I could come back to my desk like nothing had happened.
I guess my emotional state is not as stable as I thought it was. Here's what happened: I had a difficult conversation with a customer that left me upset and angry. Immediately after I got off the phone, I found out that someone I know is pregnant with her second child.
Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my friend and excited about her baby. But it was just one more thing on top of everything else: recovery from surgery, uncertainty about what our next step is, stress from a busy job that is getting busier, emotional confusion over all the other people I know who are currently pregnant, and the angry customer leaving me raw. Finding out yet another person is pregnant was all too much.
I was upset because it's not me that's pregnant. I was angry with myself for letting my guard down. I was angry with myself for getting over-emotional at work. I was angry with myself for being upset that my friend is pregnant and I'm not. I was happy for my friend. I was embarrassed that I was crying. I was worried that someone might find out. I was confused over this roil of emotion that greeted the news. I felt myself breaking down and ran for the bathroom.
I'm a messy crier. My face and neck go all red and blotchy. I'm also a noisy crier. I was terrified that someone would find out I was crying, because then I'd have to explain, and then I'd have to add worry that they wouldn't understand to the list. So I hid in the bathroom until the blotchiness subsided, my tears dried, and I could come back to my desk like nothing had happened.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Recovery
It's been nearly a week since my surgery and I think I'm recovering pretty well. Much better than last time, that's for sure. I finished my hospital pain meds on Saturday and only took 2 doses of other pain meds before I stopped. I've been on no pain meds for 2 days now. There's still a little bit of pain, but nothing unmanageable.
Unfortunately, it seems I am mildly allergic to the Cutifilm brand dressings that they used. These dressings have a gauze pad with a very thin sticky border, and its this that irritated my skin. Normally I don't have particularly sensitive skin so it was a bit of a surprise. I have red, irritated marks all over my abdomen and they're maddeningly itchy! Dave reckons that I also got itchy when I had my birthmark removed, the last time I used these dressings, but I don't remember. I wish I'd realised soon that there was a problem because I've been suffering through the itchiness and it's left all these red marks.
I had acupuncture again today, the second time since the surgery, and he stuck a LOT of needles around my 4 surgery wounds - 16 in total, more than I've had in at once before I think. My belly is still quite sore, so they didn't do any on my back, luckily. I'm certain that at least partial credit for my quick recovery goes to the acupuncture.
I'm getting sick of having to sleep on my back all the time. I'm going to try sleeping on my side tonight and see how I go. I don't normally sleep on my back, I find it quite uncomfortable, and I've had to requisition 2 additional pillows to get comfortable each night, which is annoying.
I'm back at work tomorrow, which I think will be fine. I'm glad I didn't have any less time off and that I could take the whole week to recover and get my healing well underway. Post-op follow-up is in two weeks, so I probably won't update until then.
Unfortunately, it seems I am mildly allergic to the Cutifilm brand dressings that they used. These dressings have a gauze pad with a very thin sticky border, and its this that irritated my skin. Normally I don't have particularly sensitive skin so it was a bit of a surprise. I have red, irritated marks all over my abdomen and they're maddeningly itchy! Dave reckons that I also got itchy when I had my birthmark removed, the last time I used these dressings, but I don't remember. I wish I'd realised soon that there was a problem because I've been suffering through the itchiness and it's left all these red marks.
I had acupuncture again today, the second time since the surgery, and he stuck a LOT of needles around my 4 surgery wounds - 16 in total, more than I've had in at once before I think. My belly is still quite sore, so they didn't do any on my back, luckily. I'm certain that at least partial credit for my quick recovery goes to the acupuncture.
I'm getting sick of having to sleep on my back all the time. I'm going to try sleeping on my side tonight and see how I go. I don't normally sleep on my back, I find it quite uncomfortable, and I've had to requisition 2 additional pillows to get comfortable each night, which is annoying.
I'm back at work tomorrow, which I think will be fine. I'm glad I didn't have any less time off and that I could take the whole week to recover and get my healing well underway. Post-op follow-up is in two weeks, so I probably won't update until then.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Surgery
While I have a generic warning on this blog that I'll be discussing things people might find unpleasant, this post in particular is going to discuss surgery, hospitals, and bodily functions. You have been warned.
Monday
We get up early to squeeze in an acupuncture appointment before my pre-op consult. I tell my acupuncturist, John at CompMed Southport, that I'm a bit stressed about the lapo. He focuses his acupuncture on relieving my stress and preparing my body for the lapo, and puts in earpoints to help with my stress. Earpoints are teeny acupuncture needles attached to little round band-aids that you can leave in for days. I've had them before, during exams, and I think they really do help with my stress. John says that I shouldn't have to take them out for the surgery, but his assistant, Paige, says that she's heard people have had to take them out. I decide that I should ask at the hospital when I'm prepping for the lapo, just to be safe.
After acupuncture, we head to the pre-op. The nurse from Fertility Gold Coast, Karen, is lovely. She runs through the lapo and hysteroscopy process with us, but I don't ask too many questions...Partly because I've been through this before, and partly because I don't want to know more, for a change. I'm normally a person who wants as much information as possible, but in this case, I just want it to be over. She does tell me that I have to do a bowel prep, to reduce the risk of infection, which I don't think I had to do last time, and also that I'll get some stylish compression stockings to wear afterwards that I'll have to wear for a week, to reduce the risk of blood clots. Karen says that my surgery is scheduled for 10:30am, and I have to be at the hospital at 9am. Once the pre-op is done, we go next door to Dr Swift's office to sign the consent form, but he's in surgery, so the receptionist says I can just sign it at the hospital the next day.
The rest of the afternoon I'm on a special no-solid diet and have to take a bowel prep solution, which tastes DISGUSTING. There's a reason the human body rejects salt water - it kills you! I only manage to drink about two-thirds of it, I simply can't drink any more or I'll just throw it up. I try to drink as much fluid as possible, but even just water makes me feel ill. We also get a phone call from Fertility Gold Coast - my surgery has been moved forward to 9am, and I have to be at the hospital at 7:30am. We book a taxi to pick us up at 7am and I go to bed early after packing an overnight bag, just to be safe. I wake up at 3am feeling very dehydrated but already past the time I have to start fasting for the anaesthetic.
Tuesday
I wake up to the alarm at 6am. I feel really thirsty but can't even have water. The taxi turns up right on time and we head to the hospital, Pindara Private. The receptionist asks if I'll be staying overnight, I say "I hope not" but she charges me the overnight fee anyway, and from then on everyone assumes I'm in overnight. I'm glad I've packed my overnight bag. We go through to the day surgery admissions and the nurse, Dot, runs through the forms and paperwork. She asks how much I weigh and I tell her I have no idea, so she gets me on the scales and doesn't bat an eye at the number. Through my whole stay, all the nurses are like this - I never get any negative looks or comments about my weight, for which I am grateful. She takes me to the waiting area and they put me in an overnight bed while we wait for the theatre. She gives me a stylish robe and some paper knickers to wear. I look at the knickers with apprehension, but they do fit - just. Another nurse brings me a blanket that's been somewhere warm, and it's lovely. We wait in the waiting area for about an hour before an orderly finally comes to collect me and Dave heads to the cafe.
I'm taken through to the theatre waiting room where the anaesthetic nurse runs through her questions and paperwork. When she asks me if I have any metal anywhere, I ask her about my earpoints, but she's not sure and says I should ask the anaesthetist. Dr Swift comes in and asks if I have any questions, then the anesthetist, Dr Cameron, comes in. He asks if he's anaesthetised me before, which sounds like the world's worst pick-up line, but it turns out he was my anaesthetist for my first lapo 5 years ago! I wonder what I did to be so distinctive. I ask him about my earpoints, but before he can answer Dr Swift comes rushing back in with my consent form and runs over it with me, then ducks back into the theatre. Dr Cameron tells me I can leave my earpoints in, and we chat about acupuncture - he says there's a lot of scientific research behind it and most anaesthetists support it, which is nice.
Finallly, I'm wheeled into theatre. They move me on to the operating table, which is quite narrow but still comfortable enough. Dr Cameron distracts me from all the other prep by running through my anaesthetic - he gets me to rest my left arm on an armrest, then tells me as he cleans my hand with disinfectant, then injects me with a local anaesthetic. Then he starts the general and says "you'll probably start feeling woozy about now." I'm lying with my head turned to the left, looking at my arm. I try to turn it to look up at Dr Swift but it's like moving through honey. I say "I feel a bit woozy, yes..."...
...And then a nurse is calling my name in a voice that sounds half-exasperated, half-worried: I'm in recovery, and taking longer than I should to wake up. My first, bizarre thought, is "where's my teddy?" - then I realise I'm an adult, I don't have a teddy with me, and I'm in recovery. The nurse tells me the op took two hours - longer than the one hour estimate, but still better than the four hours of the previous op. I realise I need to pee and the nurse offers me a bedpan, but I can't get past the psychological barriers against peeing while lying in bed, so she takes it away again. A little while later, at 12:30, she tells me I'm going to be in recovery for at least another half an hour, because the orderlies are going through a shift change and there's no one to take me to my room, and that yes, I will be staying overnight. Dr Swift appears, tries to talk to me, and gives up when he realises I have no idea what he is saying. The nurse offers me the bedpan again and I manage to use it this time. Then I doze until the orderly comes. He's Maori, and I feel thankful for what sounds to me like home, as he chats while he wheels me to my room, although I don't remember what he says. Dave is already there, looking a bit antsy - he'd been told I was on my way just before 12:30, and then not updated that I wouldn't be delivered to my room until after 1pm. The recovery nurse runs through my op results with the ward nurse in a rush, I don't really understand everything she says, but I hear "cyst" in there somewhere and feel a bit worried.
I've missed lunch but don't feel that hungry. I manage to clamber out of bed to use the bathroom. Dave asks if I would mind if he goes home now that I'm out and will be staying the night. I'm too woozy to think straight, and just say I don't mind. His sister comes to pick him up and deliver some chocolates from our nieces, and I feel guilty for feeling thankful that she doesn't bring the girls - I just don't think I can face them. She takes Dave home. Shortly after, Dr Swift appears again and I realise why I didn't want Dave to go home - he should be hearing what the doc has to say, but it's too late now, so I face the music by myself.
Dr Swift delivers the results: lots of adhesions, meaning all my internal organs were basically stuck together, which explains why I was getting pain all the time; new patches of endometriosis on my right ovary; a cyst on my left ovary that he's not worried about but will still go to pathology. No fibroids or anything else wrong with my uterus, and my tubes are clear. He also explains why I have to stay in overnight - he's pumped me full of a liquid that is supposed to help reduce the chance of more adhesions forming, and so my drain from my wound is clamped and has to stay clamped until the next morning. Then they'll unclamp it and let it drain a little, but I'm still going to be quite bloated for a few days. He says there's no obvious reason why I can't get pregnant, and that the next 12-18 months, while everything is still cleared out, is the ideal time to try, but because we didn't manage to do so after my first lapo, he recommends IVF. I ask him about whether drugs like Clomid (to boost my ovulation) would be helpful, but he doesn't think so for our case. However, he says that he'll go through all our options with both of us at the post-op followup in a couple of weeks.
IVF. The spectre has been looming there, over my shoulder, for a while, and I knew that this was probably the route we would have to take, but to have him come out and recommend it as our best option is still a blow. I text Dave the news but am still so drugged out I don't really feel that upset about it.
I spend the rest of the afternoon watching the cricket and updating Facebook and Twitter because I'm a bit lonely. I finally get something to eat at afternoon tea, and then dinner is surprisingly good - the food at Pindara is really quite excellent, for hospital food. I realised after I'd filled out my menu options earlier in the morning that I'd chosen small portions for everything, but I'm glad that I did because I still am not that hungry. I swing between sleepy and wide awake - every time I get up to use the bathroom the pain stops me feeling sleepy. I'm also getting nightmares, from the anaesthetic or one of the cocktail of painkillers I'm on. As soon as I close my eyes, a parade of people walks into my room - nurses, friends, family - and as they walk in they melt and turn into horrifying monsters. I'm also being having observations done every couple of hours, so I don't get much sleep. I finally give up on sleep altogether about 5:30am.
Wednesday
I wake up early, and am in quite a lot of pain. I can hear the nurse doing her rounds, though, so I don't press the call button. She arrives a little before 6am and gives me more painkillers and does my obs. Shortly after, an orderly delivers a fresh jug of water. I get breakfast about 7am, and then my wound drain is unclamped and I'm ordered to move about. I don't feel very comfortable doing that, partly from the pain but also because I'm pantsless, but I try to move about a few times for short periods. They say I can go home after lunch, so I let Dave know. I watch the news and the Simpsons and zone out for a while. Dr Swift drops by again to check that my wound is draining ok and that I'm feeling alright, and confirms that I can go home when the nurses think I'm up to it. When my lunch arrives, I let Dave know and give him a list of things to bring me. I manage to give myself a shower, which makes me feel much more human, and I'm dressed and ready when Dave arrives with his sister.
I talk about the results of the op with my sister-in-law. She seems surprised to hear that we had been trying to get pregnant after my first lapo, and in fact have been trying for the entire time since then - five years. I thought most people knew that already, but it seems not. I'm reminded again why I really want to start talking about this whole issue more - so that our friends and families know what we are going through, and so we can reach out to others that are also going through the same thing.
The nurse brings me my discharge meds, and we head home. I spend the rest of the evening on the couch, in the aircon, watching the news coverage of the impending cyclone that is hitting our State further north. Dave makes nachos for dinner and I find I still can't eat much. I manage to get several hours of straight sleep and a bit of a sleep-in after he gets up to watch the soccer at 5:30am.
Thursday
I ensconce myself on the couch again for the morning, watching the news and the Simpsons once again, but I get up quite a few times to do short shifts at my computer and feel quite woozy. I think I'm pushing myself too hard. About 11am, I have a shower and get ready to go out - Dave's sister is picking us up to take me to acupuncture and Dave to Australia Fair for some shopping. By the time I get to acupuncture I'm feeling very woolly and having trouble stringing together a sentence. It's not my usual acupuncturist, but my naturopath has already given him the rundown and he works around my pain and lack of mobility. I feel like I'm only there for about 10 minutes, but it's a full 45 minute session, so I must have dozed off a couple of times on the table. Afterwards, my head feels much clearer and I feel like I have more energy. The acupuncturist warns me that I will be hungry, but that I should only eat cooked foods - no salads or anything like that, because it is more work for my body to process. Which is fine, Dave is making lemon chicken for dinner. I'm still feeling kind of weak, so I spend the rest of the afternoon on the couch, with a couple of short breaks for writing.
Now, it's Thursday evening, two days post-op. I'm feeling uncomfortable more than in pain - it's hard for me to sit up for very long, I can't bend over, and I shuffle around like an old woman - but I'm still fairly dosed up on pain meds. I just need to take it easy and get through the next few days, giving my body time to heal.
Our post-op followup is on the 18th. By then I should have stopped bleeding and be pretty much back to normal. We'll discuss our options and see what the next step is then.
Monday, January 31, 2011
In which I discuss my upcoming laparoscopy
As I mentioned before, I had a laparoscopy (hereafter referred to as a "lapo") in 2006. On Valentine's Day, to be precise. 5 years, no babies, and plenty of pain later, I'm having my second one tomorrow. My gynaecologist, Dr Swift, will check out whether my endo has come back (probably), and if there's any other reason I might not be getting pregnant. Popular theories include "you're thinking about it too much", "you're too stressed", and "it's all in your head".
Newsflash: telling an already stressed person who is already over-analysing everything to chill out and stop thinking about it is just not going to help, and will probably make it worse. This applies to every situation in which a person is stressed and over-analysing, and especially so for someone trying to get pregnant.
Here's the thing: conception is still quite mysterious. While pretty much everyone knows the basic story - sperm meets egg, has a few laughs, etc - there are so many factors that contribute to the success or failure of this simple mechanic that it's amazing anyone gets pregnant, ever. For every "I knew someone who couldn't get pregnant for years, then they (had a holiday/took this pill/had sex on a hilltop under a full moon) and BAM!" story, there are plenty more where that didn't work, because (and this may come as a surprise to some of you) EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.
The journey I am undertaking with my husband in an effort to get pregnant is a personal one. Just because I'm sharing it here, that doesn't mean I'm asking for advice, you see? Sympathy, empathy, constructive suggestions, sure - but telling me what I should be thinking or feeling is not going to help and will probably just annoy me.
For a hilarious and touching commentary on infertility from a male point of view, please read "Inconceivable" by Ben Elton (don't bother with the movie version, Maybe Baby: I love Hugh Laurie but the book version is much funnier). I can't plug this book enough. Ben Elton is usually top-notch, but he really just gets it with this book, because he went through it himself.
Lapo tomorrow. I'll keep you all posted. I don't have my follow-up until the 18th, however, so any detailed analysis won't be undertaken until then.
Newsflash: telling an already stressed person who is already over-analysing everything to chill out and stop thinking about it is just not going to help, and will probably make it worse. This applies to every situation in which a person is stressed and over-analysing, and especially so for someone trying to get pregnant.
Here's the thing: conception is still quite mysterious. While pretty much everyone knows the basic story - sperm meets egg, has a few laughs, etc - there are so many factors that contribute to the success or failure of this simple mechanic that it's amazing anyone gets pregnant, ever. For every "I knew someone who couldn't get pregnant for years, then they (had a holiday/took this pill/had sex on a hilltop under a full moon) and BAM!" story, there are plenty more where that didn't work, because (and this may come as a surprise to some of you) EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.
The journey I am undertaking with my husband in an effort to get pregnant is a personal one. Just because I'm sharing it here, that doesn't mean I'm asking for advice, you see? Sympathy, empathy, constructive suggestions, sure - but telling me what I should be thinking or feeling is not going to help and will probably just annoy me.
For a hilarious and touching commentary on infertility from a male point of view, please read "Inconceivable" by Ben Elton (don't bother with the movie version, Maybe Baby: I love Hugh Laurie but the book version is much funnier). I can't plug this book enough. Ben Elton is usually top-notch, but he really just gets it with this book, because he went through it himself.
Lapo tomorrow. I'll keep you all posted. I don't have my follow-up until the 18th, however, so any detailed analysis won't be undertaken until then.
Health
This was originally posted on my personal blog on 14 September 2010.
This post is going to talk about various health-related things, including my endo. Feel free to skip it.
So my next endo op is scheduled for February 1st. It's a little way away but my gynaecologist goes gallavanting off somewhere over December and January. In the mean time, though, I'm having a lot of problems with migraines and endo pain and just generally feeling pretty shitty. My GP says he can't give me anything for my migraines because I'm trying to get pregnant and that I should just deal with it. When I was looking at my health insurance provider's website to check out what would be covered for my next op, I noticed that Naturopathy is covered so on a whim I booked a Naturopath consultation and had that this evening.
I'd never seen a Naturopath before so I wasn't sure what to expect. The first thing I noticed was her amazing voice. She had a Canadian accent, I think she was maybe Chinese-Canadian or Philippine-Canadian, and she had a beautifully modulated voice. It's what I would call a therapist voice. I immediately felt calmer and reassured. The consultation was in a room that was lit only with a lamp so it didn't feel like a harsh doctor-style consultation. She told me that she would ask me a lot of questions and that they might not seem related, and that she wanted me to let her know if there was anything I wasn't comfortable doing or talking about or was unsure of because she wanted to make sure I felt happy enough to come back.
The consultation was part doctor, part therapist - she let me just talk about a lot of stuff, especially relating to my fertility, which was really nice. I broke down and bawled my eyes out at one point and she just patiently waited for me to get myself back together and then reassured me that my feelings were normal.
Once we'd done the initial discussion she told me that she thought I had too much damp heat in me, that my spleen was squished from sitting down, and that the rising heat was contributing to my migraines...And I thought Here we go, airy-fairy time. But that was the only airy-fairy bit: after that we talked about improving my diet by eating more protein and veges and less white bread, and getting 20 minutes of exercise in the sun each day. She gave me a couple of supplements to help with my endo symptoms and recommended weekly acupuncture, and we agreed that the short-term goal is to get me pregnant before I need my next endo op.
One of the things I was really impressed with was that she didn't mention my weight at all. I actually went in prepared for a fight over that (completed with this letter) but it simply wasn't an issue. The diet and exercise stuff was what I was already trying to improve and was expecting her to bring it up, but the fact that she didn't relate that back to my weight was lovely.
Unfortunately with the dosage of the supplements she's given me on top of my pregnancy multi-vitamin I'm now taking 7 pills a day, eep! My plan at the moment is to follow her plan with the acupuncture, supplements etc until February, at which point I'll reassess if it's helping and worth it or not. I'm hoping that, if I can show Dave that it helps, I might be able to get him to see her too. We'll see!
Failure
This was originally posted on my personal blog on 27 April 2010.
This post is about endo, periods, and making babies. Don't read if that bothers you for some reason. You have been warned.
One of the (many) reasons I put off getting married again for so long was because normally once you get married people start asking when you're going to have a baby, as if it's some kind of natural progression: boy meets girl, boy and girl get married, girl has baby. And of course, now that we are married, I'm getting that question a lot more than I used to. I usually give a vague, brushing-off type answer, because it's too painful for me to talk about it and anyway most people aren't that interested. The fact is, we've been trying for over four years now with no success.
Man, I tell you, if there's an early pregnancy sign out there, I've felt it, convinced myself that this time it's really happened, and cried over how delusional I am when I fail, again, to get pregnant. I was so sure this month, I really felt different...and yet I failed. Again.
Yes, failed. That's how I feel each month: like a failure, like I'm somehow failing at being a woman. I've wanted to have children for as long as I can remember - I'm certainly not one of those rare women who has no interest in having children at all. I love babies. I instinctively want to help crying children. I have lists of names or girls and boys. I have strong opinions about how my children will be raised. Why is it so damn hard? Plenty of people make it look easy. Most of my cousins have already reproduced. I have one cousin who is 2 months older than me who has five kids and is currently pregnant again. Why is it so easy for her and so hard for me?
I guess after we get back from Malaysia I should make an appointment to see my OB/GYN. Apart from an op to try to cure my endo (which failed, I'm sure), we haven't had any intervention so far. But I've been putting that off for a bunch of reasons, partly because my husband has also been sick, but the most important reason is that getting help with producing a child is so bloody expensive. Also, once you start down that path, it can get pretty invasive. My first marriage failed, in part, because we had started seeking help. I'm also not convinced that paying for expensive medical intervention to have a child of my own, when there are so many disadvantaged children waiting to be adopted, is the best idea. And if we're paying exorbitant amounts for IVF, for example, how much more of a failure will I feel each time it's not successful? My husband doesn't really like the idea of adopting, though, and that has its own expenses and privacy invasions. So I guess seeing my OB/GYN is Step 1.
But now that my husband's illness is under control, I've run out of flimsy excuses. Also, I'm getting old. I had it all planned out in high school, you know: two kids, first a boy and then a girl, by the time I was thirty. Now here I am, looking down the barrel of 31, without either of those fantasy children. If I don't act soon, it may be too late and too risky. I think I'll make that appointment in the morning.
In which I introduce myself
Fair warning: everything on this blog is going to be quite personal, and I will discuss medical procedures, conception, and periods. If you're at all squeamish or simply not interested, my generic personal blog is over here. Alternatively, have some cute.
Still here? Right. I'm Jen, and I have endometriosis. Let's get that out of the way first, shall we?
Endometriosis is so little talked about that my browser dictionary says I've spelled it wrong. This is probably because it's related to periods. Nice Girls don't talk about periods. Endometriosis is a medical condition in which the cells that normally grow in the lining of my uterus grow in other parts of my abdominal cavity, such as my ovaries, bowel, and so on. Unfortunately, these misplaced cells still react to hormone changes like their sisters in my uterus - they engorge through my cycle, and then try to bleed away when I get my period. But they're in the wrong place to do that, so they create little pockets called adhesions where they grow and bleed and grow and bleed. This is understandably quite painful. I get agonising cramps and pain around my period, but also when I'm ovulating, and at other, seemingly-random times throughout my cycle. I'm going to abbreviate it to "endo" from now on because it's much easier to type.
I was first diagnosed with suspected endo at the end of 2005, however, I've had it my whole life. I've always had painful, heavy periods, but I just thought that was normal. Apparently it is not normal to suffer from crippling pain each time you get a period. Who'd have thunk? After my GP suggested I had endo, I was referred to an obstetrician/gynaecologist. Dr Swift. Dr Swift is well-known on the Gold Coast as an endo specialist. He did an ultrasound, and some poking and prodding, and declared that he didn't actually think I had endo, but he wanted to do a laparoscopy to be sure. He though the laparoscopy would take about an hour. It ended up taking about four hours and I had to stay in overnight. Afterwards he said it was some of the worst endo he had seen.
That was 5 years ago, on Valentine's Day 2006. My endo pain went away...for a little while. But it's gradually gotten worse and worse, until I'm back at the level I was before surgery. Even worse, I have not managed to fall pregnant in that time. I have endometriosis-associated infertility, which is a fancy way of saying "women with endo are more likely to have trouble with their fertility, but we have no freaking idea why". After 5 years of trying, we're way past the point where we should be looking at some form of intervention, so we're getting the ball rolling on that now. Hence, this blog.
So, that's me. I'll be discussing my journey through endo treatment and fertility treatment, whatever we decide. Blogging may be sporadic, and will almost certainly be more personal than my parents would be comfortable with...But it's also a kind of therapy for me, getting it all out, you know?
Oh, one final thing, in case you were wondering...I called this blog "Moments of Irrationality" because when I get hormonally-imbalanced I get irrational. Simple as that!
Still here? Right. I'm Jen, and I have endometriosis. Let's get that out of the way first, shall we?
Endometriosis is so little talked about that my browser dictionary says I've spelled it wrong. This is probably because it's related to periods. Nice Girls don't talk about periods. Endometriosis is a medical condition in which the cells that normally grow in the lining of my uterus grow in other parts of my abdominal cavity, such as my ovaries, bowel, and so on. Unfortunately, these misplaced cells still react to hormone changes like their sisters in my uterus - they engorge through my cycle, and then try to bleed away when I get my period. But they're in the wrong place to do that, so they create little pockets called adhesions where they grow and bleed and grow and bleed. This is understandably quite painful. I get agonising cramps and pain around my period, but also when I'm ovulating, and at other, seemingly-random times throughout my cycle. I'm going to abbreviate it to "endo" from now on because it's much easier to type.
I was first diagnosed with suspected endo at the end of 2005, however, I've had it my whole life. I've always had painful, heavy periods, but I just thought that was normal. Apparently it is not normal to suffer from crippling pain each time you get a period. Who'd have thunk? After my GP suggested I had endo, I was referred to an obstetrician/gynaecologist. Dr Swift. Dr Swift is well-known on the Gold Coast as an endo specialist. He did an ultrasound, and some poking and prodding, and declared that he didn't actually think I had endo, but he wanted to do a laparoscopy to be sure. He though the laparoscopy would take about an hour. It ended up taking about four hours and I had to stay in overnight. Afterwards he said it was some of the worst endo he had seen.
That was 5 years ago, on Valentine's Day 2006. My endo pain went away...for a little while. But it's gradually gotten worse and worse, until I'm back at the level I was before surgery. Even worse, I have not managed to fall pregnant in that time. I have endometriosis-associated infertility, which is a fancy way of saying "women with endo are more likely to have trouble with their fertility, but we have no freaking idea why". After 5 years of trying, we're way past the point where we should be looking at some form of intervention, so we're getting the ball rolling on that now. Hence, this blog.
So, that's me. I'll be discussing my journey through endo treatment and fertility treatment, whatever we decide. Blogging may be sporadic, and will almost certainly be more personal than my parents would be comfortable with...But it's also a kind of therapy for me, getting it all out, you know?
Oh, one final thing, in case you were wondering...I called this blog "Moments of Irrationality" because when I get hormonally-imbalanced I get irrational. Simple as that!
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