Vulnerability

Today I spent 10 minutes crying in the bathroom at work.

I guess my emotional state is not as stable as I thought it was.  Here's what happened: I had a difficult conversation with a customer that left me upset and angry.  Immediately after I got off the phone, I found out that someone I know is pregnant with her second child.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my friend and excited about her baby.  But it was just one more thing on top of everything else: recovery from surgery, uncertainty about what our next step is, stress from a busy job that is getting busier, emotional confusion over all the other people I know who are currently pregnant, and the angry customer leaving me raw.  Finding out yet another person is pregnant was all too much.

I was upset because it's not me that's pregnant.  I was angry with myself for letting my guard down.  I was angry with myself for getting over-emotional at work.  I was angry with myself for being upset that my friend is pregnant and I'm not.  I was happy for my friend.  I was embarrassed that I was crying.  I was worried that someone might find out.  I was confused over this roil of emotion that greeted the news.  I felt myself breaking down and ran for the bathroom.

I'm a messy crier.  My face and neck go all red and blotchy.  I'm also a noisy crier.  I was terrified that someone would find out I was crying, because then I'd have to explain, and then I'd have to add worry that they wouldn't understand to the list.  So I hid in the bathroom until the blotchiness subsided, my tears dried, and I could come back to my desk like nothing had happened.