IUI Round 4 Result: Negative

I had the blood test on Saturday and unfortunately it was negative.  I had suspected that it would be, and thought I was prepared, but the result hit me a lot harder than I expected.  I had to flee work and then spent the rest of the afternoon swinging between raging and bawling my eyes out.  I tried to make a chocolate cake to make myself feel better and the cake mix exploded everywhere.  In short, it was not a very pleasant day!

After discussing the result with each other and with my Mum, we've formulated a plan.  We are going to take a year off actively trying to conceive.  If we get pregnant in that time with no assistance, great, but it won't be our focus.  Instead, we are going to save up for a big overseas trip in September with my parents.  It's my Mum's 60th birthday in early September and she is very keen to go to Italy while my sister is there and see some other sights in Europe also.  Obviously a Europe trip is very expensive, and so I also suggested an alternative could be Asia.  In either case, we will have an extended holiday around that time.

In the mean time, this blog will be fairly quiet.  I may occasionally post updates here, but it will essentially be dormant for a while.

If you read my personal blog you'll know I'm a fan of the game Dragon Age II.  There was recently new Downloadable Content (DLC) released for this game.  While playing through the DLC, you encounter the following quote:

In uncertainty, find infinite possibility.

        - An old Orlesian saying 

I really love this quote and I am making it my touchstone for the following year.  I'm uncertain what my future holds, but that simply means there are infinite ways my future can play out.

IUI Episode IV: A New Hope

(Bonus geek points if you get the title reference).

So.  Here we are at our final IUI round of the year.  I started my injections on Friday (after a bit of a hiccup forgetting in the morning in the rush to get my dog to the vet - I did my first injection in the evening) and have my first blood test and scan on Friday next week, which will be Day 9.  I'm shooting for a Monday insem but as usual, it's not entirely in my control!  I feel a bit more blasé about this round, which is surprising because I thought I'd be stressing out that we're up to round 4 with no result.  I guess a wait-and-see approach is my only option at this point.  So, let's wait and see.

IUI Round 3 Result: Negative

Another negative.  In my gut I knew that was the result, but there's always that tiny hope that I'm wrong.  We tested a day later than normal this cycle and I still hadn't started bleeding but I guess that was just the progesterone.  We've decided to go straight into the next cycle, which we've never done before, mainly because of the timing: we have a mini-holiday at the end of November and then after that it's Christmas etc.  So we wanted to get in our last try of the year before all that happened.

I haven't lost hope just yet.  We have one more round to go before we reassess.  In some ways that will make this upcoming round harder to deal with, I think - knowing it's our last try.  But of course it's not the end of the road.  We could continue with IUI cycles next year.  We could get pregnant naturally.  We could consider adoption.  IVF, at this point, I would only consider if we were in a position financially where I didn't have to work, because I just don't think I could handle the stress and intrusiveness of it.  And of course, it's financially out of reach for us right now in any case.

So.  One more round to close out the year.  Fingers crossed it's fourth time lucky.

IUI Round 3: I-Day!

This round started off well and I was feeling pretty good in the prep phase - until I got hit with an awful migraine on Thursday morning.  I'm sure this was at least partly triggered by my hormones.  I felt like I'd been kicked in the head by a horse and all I could see was stars which is unusual for my migraines - I hardly ever get a visual component.  I slept for most of the morning and felt a bit better in the afternoon but still really tired.

Friday we went for my second blood test and a scan and were told to prepare to be back in the afternoon for the insemination.  Unfortunately, after lunch Shelley from the Clinic called to say my body wasn't quite ready yet and we'd been bumped to Saturday morning.  I had to take a trigger shot of Ovidrel to make sure I ovulated on time and then prepare for the insem on Saturday.

Saturday, today, I woke up and wheedled breakfast in bed out of Dave - a cup of tea and some Pop Tarts (I wish they weren't so hard to find and expensive here!).  Then Dave produced his sample and we headed to the clinic for our 9:30 arrival.

When we arrived at the clinic (a little late) we had to wait for quite a while before they came and took the sample to be prepped.  Then there was another wait while they did that, during which we endured some awful Disney TV show and the inane prattle of the other people in the waiting room.  Finally, however, we were led into the procedure room (a different one from the last two times) and told to get ready.

Of course, there was yet another wait after that.  I lay on the procedure bench, uncomfortable on my back and impatient for it to be over with, for at least 10 minutes before Dr Swift finally appeared, we did the name & date check, and got down to business.

The moment of truth had finally arrived.  Did the surgery a month ago help?  I was going to be annoyed if it hadn't.  But thankfully, the insemination was blessedly quick.  Probably only a minute or two and it was over.  Much easier than the last two.  I still felt crampy and uncomfortable afterwards but at least there wasn't all the rigmarole I'm used to by now.  So - back on two 400mg progesterone pessaries and blood test on the 3rd of October!  Fingers crossed it's third time lucky for us.

IUI Round 3: Update 1

Had the first blood test of Round 3 today.  My numbers are looking good but not peaking yet so I'm going back on Friday for another blood test and a scan.  I'm still holding out hope that we can do the IUI itself on Monday.  Jo the Clinic nurse talked about perhaps giving me a trigger shot on Friday and doing the IUI on Saturday but we'll see what my bloods are like on Friday.

One of my friends gave me this link today.  It really resonated with me because a lot of what she talks about I have experienced too.  It reminded me that no matter what my situation is, I shouldn't compare myself to those around me.  Everyone is dealing with their own lives, their own struggles, and I shouldn't let my experiences affect their experiences and vice versa.  It's quite a long post but I really recommend it.

IUI Round 3: A New Beginning

Day 1 of my cycle today means I start my drugs tomorrow.  75IUs of FSH, same as the last round.  Dr Swift is happy that the dose is right - last round I produced one excellent follicle at about the right time so fingers crossed we have a similar result this time.  And then of course we get to see if the hysteroscopy and D&C and had has helped make the insemination itself easier.  I go for my first blood test on Wednesday next week.  Fingers crossed we can do the insem on the Monday after that!  This round I definitely want to have both I-Day and R-Day off work.  Last round on results day I was a complete mess and couldn't focus on anything.  If both of those can occur on a Monday then that would be fabulous.

I'm feeling a little more confident this round but also a little more comfortable with whatever the outcome is.  It's always a fine line between being positive and building yourself up too much, as anyone in a similar situation would know.  So I'm staying positive but also adopting a wait-and-see approach.

IUI Round 2 Result: Negative

Just in case there is anyone who reads this blog but doesn't follow me on Twitter or have me on Facebook, today's result was unfortunately negative.  I'm not going to say any more just yet because I haven't had an opportunity to discuss it properly with Dave yet.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Tonight is my office's annual dinner.  I should be getting ready to leave right now.  I've been looking forward to it for ages - I bought a snazzy new dress from ASOS, and all week I've been getting more and more excited.

Then, this morning, I crashed.  Emotionally.  I don't know what triggered it, although I think it is a combination of factors.  I've been close to tears all day, and had several crying sessions in the bathroom.  I've worked hard to maintain my cheerful facade all day but the cracks are starting to show.  It's like I'm wearing a mask, and maintaining that mask takes a lot of effort.  I keep it in place all day at work, and I don't have the energy left for social encounters.

This is why I've stopped seeing certain people.  This is why I've been skipping social  events.  I'm just trying to keep myself together enough to function.  But I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.

IUI Round 2: I-Day!

This morning we headed in to the Clinic for the IUI.  We dropped off Dave's sperm sample then waited around while it was processed until we could do the procedure itself.  Once we were ensconced in the room, Shelley the nurse went over our numbers: my hormone levels were looking really good, Dave's sperm count and motility were really good...in short, everything was good.  We went through the process of triple-checking names and dates of birth, then Dr Swift bustled in and we went through the insemination rigmarole all over again.

I was hoping it would be easier this time, but alas, it wasn't to be.  But finally, after much prodding, poking, and pinching, the deed was done.  He ominously said that if we didn't succeed this time we'd have to have a talk about my cervix, but I wasn't really listening because of the stress and discomfort, so I'm not sure what he meant.  I think he was suggesting I might need some sort of surgical procedure to straighten it out.

I questioned the instructions they'd given me for after-care, because they've put me on double the amount of progesterone as last time: one pessary morning and night.  Dr Swift said he likes having lots of progesterone anyway, and because my pregnancy test last time showed a lower progesterone than they would like, they're not taking any chances this time.  The pessaries are messy and unpleasant and inconvenient, but if they help, I'll do whatever it takes!

After Dr Swift left, Shelley got me some panadol and a glass of water and said there was no rush for us to leave.  So I rested for a few minutes and we talked.  We agreed that if we do manage to produce a child, we definitely don't want to have to go through this whole process again to produce another.  If we get one, we'll be happy.  It's very exhausting, emotionally and physically, and very draining.  I was happy I made the decision to have the whole day off today.

Now we have another Two Week Wait.  We go back on the 15th for the pregnancy blood test.  Fingers crossed.

IUI Round 2: Progress Report 2

I had the scan this morning with Dr Flynn, who had a different technique to Dr Swift, which was a bit off-putting.  But otherwise everything went fine.  He said I only have one follicle this time, to Dave's great relief, but that it's "a beauty".  His recommendation was that I have a trigger injection today and we do the IUI tomorrow, as I suspected we would have to.  After the scan, I had another blood test just to check everything was progressing nicely, and they gave me the trigger shot.

At lunchtime the Clinic called and confirmed what I had suspected: I was already beginning to surge so the trigger probably hadn't been necessary, but it didn't hurt either.  So we're all go for tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately the timing this round isn't great: we've both ended up having to have a day off due to the time of day, and my work has a whole-company meeting tomorrow for the end of financial year review.  But, like my friend pointed out, this is more important.  We're at the mercy of my body, and my body says tomorrow is the day!

I'm not feeling as excited and hopeful as last time.  It's not that I'm feeling negative, exactly.  It's more just a kind of, I don't know, lethargy I guess.  I've never been the most patient of people (I heard that!), so I basically just want it to be over and me to be pregnant.  Fingers crossed it happens tomorrow!

IUI Round 2: Progress Report

Day 11 today.  I had my first blood test on Monday, Day 9, and my hormone levels were higher than they had been on Day 11 last cycle, so I responded more quickly this time on the higher dose.  I had another blood test today, and the clinic has booked an ultrasound scan for me tomorrow morning as it looks like I'm starting to surge.  Unfortunately, Dr Swift is away this week due to school holidays, so the scan will be done by another doctor, Dr Flynn.  He's in the same clinic as Dr Swift, and is the obstetrician of someone else I know who is pregnant, so I'm sure he'll be fine.  But of course there's always a bit of nervousness when you see a new doctor.  Hopefully Dr Swift will still be able to do the IUI itself when it happens.

My own feeling, based on my own knowledge of my body, is that the IUI will be on Friday.  Not the most convenient time, but never mind: we're at the mercy of my hormones.  I'm certain we won't be holding out until Monday.

After the scan tomorrow I have to have another blood test and they will hopefully be able to tell me exactly when we'll be doing the IUI.  The blood tests are becoming a drag.  My veins seem to be a bit shy, so the nurses tend to use the same one that is a little bolder than the others, but that one has started getting a bit scarred so it is getting painful.  The injections each morning are just routine now, though.  Who would have thought that jabbing myself with a needle each morning would become so ho-hum?

IUI Round 2: Starting Again

I got my period yesterday, a little earlier than I was expecting, but that might work out for the good with the timing - we may end up being able to do the IUI on a Monday again, which would be great.  Unfortunately, I hadn't dropped in to pick up my drugs for this round yet, so we had a bit of a scramble this morning to go in and get them so I could start my injections again today.

I got a new injection pen, which is easier to use than the last one, and a new set of needles.  I did the injection with the new pen in the clinic with Jo while we were there, to make sure I was doing it okay.  I'm starting out on 75 IUs this time, so I may respond more quickly.  I'm scheduled for my first blood test on Monday.

Overall, I don't feel like I'm in as positive a space as I was last round.  It's not that I'm disillusioned with the process itself yet, it's just that I have other stuff going on in my head that's making me feel a bit negative.  I miss my home and my family, and I'm going through another phase where it seems like everyone I know is either pregnant or a new parent.  My birthday is this week, another reminder that my time is running out, so to speak.  I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm not really sure how I'm going to handle this cycle.  We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose!

IUI Round 1 Result: Negative

A week or so ago I suddenly started getting really tired, which I thought might have been a positive sign.  But then over the weekend I started feeling cranky and had a little spotting, and I just generally got the feeling that my period wanted to come and we weren't successful.  By this morning I had pretty much convinced myself that the result was going to be negative, but we went through the blood test process anyway.

A little after 2pm, I got the phone call.  Unfortunately, my suspicions were correct.  At least I hadn't built myself up so much that the result was a shock.  I thought I took the news pretty well - I didn't even cry, which was a surprise.

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can.  There are several positive things I can take away from the experience.  As Mum pointed out, the process is no longer a mystery.  My body responded really well to the meds I took before and after the IUI itself, and I produced two "beautiful" follicles and a good thick lining.  I also feel like I know my body and my cycle better and have more confidence in that knowledge.  And like Jo the Clinic nurse says, the odds on the first cycle are pretty low because they are still adjusting my treatment to suit my body.  The odds go up the more cycles we do.

We decided to have a cycle off before we try again.  Mostly for financial reasons, but also I'd like to give myself a break emotionally.  There's no medical or technical reason why we can't just roll straight into another cycle, but I'd rather take some time to regroup before trying again.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank everyone for their support.  I've had so many messages from family members and friends both old and new.  It really does mean a lot to know you guys are all looking out for us and sending us positive vibes.  Thank you all so much.

(Okay, now I'm getting a bit teary.)

IUI Round 1: D-Day!

Or should I say, I-Day.  On Saturday after my blood test the Clinic said my hormone levels were still going up but it looked like we were safe until today, but they suggested quite matter-of-factly that we "have intercourse" over the weekend, just to be safe.  We went back in for another blood test this morning and Jo the clinic nurse thought I'd better have an ultrasound scan to check how many follicles had developed.  Dr Swift could squeeze us in for the scan and said everything looked good: I had 2 nicely developed follicles and a nice thick lining and he was predicting that we'd have to do the IUI itself today, but we had to wait for the blood test results to be sure.

At 2pm the Clinic called and confirmed we were on for today, which made me very happy - we both had the day off so it was really good timing.  Dave produced his sperm sample and we headed to the Clinic for our 3pm appointment.  We had to wait for half an hour to prepare the sample for the insemination, then we went into the lab room and waited for the doctor.  The nurse went over what happens next while we waited.  It felt like we were waiting for ages but Dr Swift finally turned up.  It all felt a bit surreal after that.  There was discussion of speculums.  And mucus.  There was some trouble with the procedure and it took longer than it was supposed to.  The doctor had to use a special tool to open up my cervix, which hurt.  I was uncomfortable and felt like my legs were going to cramp.  But finally, after 15 minutes (instead of the promised 5) we were done.  Once again, we were instructed to have sex over the next couple of days.  I felt a bit shaky and uncomfortable afterwards and was so happy I could go home and rest.

Now we start the dreaded Two Week Wait.  Starting tomorrow, I have to use vaginal pessaries for progesterone as an added precaution - it's possible that one of the reasons we haven't gotten pregnant so far is that my body doesn't produce enough progesterone.  So I take these pessaries until they tell me otherwise.  If I don't start bleeding, I go back on Tuesday the 24th of May for my pregnancy blood test!  If I do start bleeding, I have to call them for further instructions.

I hate waiting.

IUI Round 1 Progress Report 1

On Wednesday I had my first ever IUI cycle blood test.  Unfortunately, my hormone levels were still fairly low, so Dr Swift suggested I increase my Puregon dosage from 50 IUs to 75, which I started on Thursday.  This morning I went back for another blood test and now have matching bruises on the insides of both elbows - people are going to start thinking I'm a druggie or something!

After my test this morning, the Clinic called this afternoon and told me that my hormone levels have started going up - which is good and bad.  Good, because it means that I'm responding to the Puregon...But also bad, because the weekend is about to start!  They asked me to go back in for another blood test tomorrow morning and warned that if it looks like my hormone levels are about to surge we might have to do the insemination tomorrow.  Which would be fine for most people, but of course we both work on Saturdays so it could be logistically tricky.  Hopefully my body plays ball and holds off until Monday, as we both have Mondays off, which would make it much easier.  But I am unfortunately at the mercy of my hormones.

It's getting exciting and nerve-wracking now that we're approaching D-Day of our first cycle.  Statistically, I know that our chances of success are slim, but it's still hard to not be excited.  I'm so thankful that we've had such an easy run of it so far - no major side affects, very little fiddling with dosages and so on.  Fingers crossed!

It Has Begun

After a false alarm last week, my period started yesterday and so I started my drugs today.  When I called the after hours number for the Clinic yesterday to let the on-duty nurse know, she was very helpful and knew the details of my case immediately.  I'm not sure if she was in the Clinic - I guess she probably was, because she could immediately remind me of my dose levels and tell me what day I needed to go in for my first blood test (Wednesday the 4th of May).  She also let me know that she would be at the Clinic this morning (today is still a public holiday in Queensland) for those patients that needed blood tests or other assistance, so if I freaked out and didn't think I could handle my first injection on my own I was welcome to go in to the Clinic for help.  I was pretty sure I would be fine, but it was nice to know that back-up was there if required.

So this morning I got my little drug kit out and did my first injection.  This is the needle:

You can't really tell from that how big it is, but it's about 2cm long.  The little book that came with it said I would need alcohol swabs and stuff, but none of the nurses so far have told me I do, they've just said to wash my hands.  So I compromised and washed my hands and the injection area with antibacterial soap.  I made Dave stand in the room with me for moral support, took a deep breath, and stabbed myself with the needle.

It was completely underwhelming.  I hardly felt it at all, the needle is so fine.  The area was a little tender afterwards but otherwise it was a bit of a non-event.  Still, I've done my first one now, so I know I'm capable of doing the rest.  I just have to keep it up every day until next Wednesday.

On Wednesday they'll give me a blood test and also probably an ultrasound to determine how I've reacted to the drugs.  I may need additional tests on subsequent days, and will probably need a new supply of drugs and needles (I only have enough to last me until then).  Then when they know I'm going to ovulate, it's showtime!

Yesterday I was browsing ThinkGeek when I saw this super-cute baby outfit:

I am totally going to get one of these if we conceive from IUI - it's perfect for babies conceived with a little extra help from science!

Sex, Drugs, and Rock n' Roll

After our appointment last week, Jo the Clinic nurse called and asked for Dave to do another semen analysis, because his last one was nearly a year ago and he's on medication now that he wasn't on last time.  So we dropped that off today.

The thing with a sperm test is that they give you quite strict instructions on when the man has to have previously, uh, ejaculated.  Which I think we are dealing with okay at the moment.  Some men have trouble with sperm tests, because they take it kind of personally.  Dave seems to be coping fine, though.  But he does have the emotional range of a teaspoon, so who really knows what's going on in his head?*

Seeing as we were in the Clinic anyway, we dropped off our new referrals and our consent forms and picked up my drugs.  I'm going to be on a drug called Puregon, 50 IUs a day.  It comes in this fat pen, and I have to keep it in the fridge.  On day 2 of my next cycle, I have to start injecting it in my abdomen every morning.  The needle is about 2cm long.  They give me several needles and a sharps disposal container.  It all came in this little cooler bag package, very flash.  I'm a little bit nervous about the injections, because I've never injected myself before, but hopefully I'll be fine.

Now that we're getting all these fancy gadgets and instructions and actually doing something, I feel almost excited about the whole process.  I find it quite interesting, learning about the hows and whys of it all.  I'm sure if we have to go through several months of this I'll be over it, but starting out I'm feeling pretty good.

In other news, a few weeks ago I ordered a Goddess of Abundance pendant from DragonWeave (the large one, first item on the linked page).  I got it in moonstone, because not only is that my birthstone, it's also tied to fertility because of its link with the moon.  I hadn't been wearing it, because I thought I needed to go buy a cord or something for it.  But in the middle of the night last night I had an epiphany - I had the perfect chain for it already: a silver twisted rope chain that belonged to my Nana, who had seven children of her own.  I'm usually a fairly sceptical person, but I do have hippie-ish tendencies, and as Dave said, "It can't hurt."

I haven't said anything about rock n' roll, have I? Hmm.  Well, I did buy a Flight of the Conchords CD this week to listen to in the car, so that counts, right?

*I tell him this frequently, and he read this post before I submitted it.  So don't worry, Mum!

IUI Registration - Now with 200% more gladiator battles!

After weighing up our options, we've decided to try IUI.  It's less invasive (and much cheaper) than IVF, and the general consensus seems to be that because we are lucky enough to have the option, we should take advantage of that.

So today we had our registration appointment with the IVF clinic, Fertility Gold Coast.  This is the clinic that my OB/GYN, Dr Swift, is associated with.  I've read books and blogs and so on that suggest you do research on several clinics before picking one that suits your needs, but I'm happy with Dr Swift so we decided to stick to this clinic for now.  The nurses so far have been very good, I think it's the main clinic on the Gold Coast, and so barring anything terrible happening I think we'll just stick with this one.

The nurse, Jo, ran through everything with us and gave us (me) a rather large booklet to read.  She explained the fees and the tests and the process we'll have to go through.  We had to pay a registration fee of $195 today, which covers all their administration expenses (like the booklets) and so on.  It's a one-off clinic fee, so no matter how many IUI cycles we go through, or even if we move on to IVF, we won't have to pay it again, which is good.  However, it's not claimable through private health or Medicare.

Jo went over a "normal" menstrual cycle with us so she could explain the difference between that and what we'll be doing.  All old news for me of course, I'm not sure how much Dave knows about menstrual cycles but he's definitely learning more than most guys probably feel comfortable with.  The only thing of note was the way she described the egg follicles which develop in cohorts until one becomes dominant and ovulates and the rest die off.  It sounded like my ovaries are staging a gladiator-style tournament each month with a last-egg-standing type outcome.  After that she explained the different drugs that could be used and said that they will be using FSH for me.  FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) is the hormone my body produces naturally to, uh, stimulate the follicles (duh).  They just dose me up to stimulate them a bit more.  She asked if I will be injecting my own drugs and Dave agitatedly said, "I'm certainly not doing it!"  He was imagining the scene in Inconceivable where Sam is injecting an orange as practice.  Luckily, the injections go in my abdomen, not my bum, so I can do them myself.

After that, she took some blood from both of us for routine screening tests for infectious diseases and also basic chromosome testing to make sure we don't have any wonky chromosomes which could also be stopping us getting pregnant.  Then she made sure we understood what happens now.

This is what is going to happen:

1. At some point in the next week or two I have to drop off our consent forms and a new referral (the referral system is ridiculous I must say - I have an ongoing medical condition that my GP is having no influence in managing and yet I still need them to sign a piece of paper that says I need treatment) and pick up my drugs.  One of the nurses will show me how to do my injections at that point.
2. On Day 1 of my next cycle (helpfully due on Easter Friday, naturally) I have to call the clinic (or their after-hours number) and tell them my cycle has started and I'll be starting my drugs.
3. On Day 2 of my next cycle, I start injecting my drugs.
4. On Day 9, I go in for my first blood test.  They'll test my hormone levels and give me an ultrasound to look at the lining of my uterus and make sure everything is progressing as expected.  They'll also check how many follicles are developing: they aim for 1-3, but if there are more than that (or none) the cycle is cancelled and we don't have to pay anything for it.  This is to reduce the risk of multiples.  Potential triplets is scary enough, thanks!
5. Depending on how the Day 9 tests go, I might need more blood tests and another ultrasound, or they might already know when I'm going to ovulate.
6. Once they know when I'm about to ovulate, Dave gives a sperm sample, they wash it and spin it so it's concentrated and the sperm are all excited (maybe they know something cool is about to happen?) and then they inject me with his sperm who race up to meet my egg and have another gladiator-style battle with one victorious sperm becoming half our baby.
7. 15 days after insemination, they give me a pregnancy test.  If it's successful, they give another a week later.  Then 2 weeks after that I get a scan to make sure the embryo is implanted in the right place and has a heartbeat.
8. If we aren't successful, we can try again straight away or we can have a break if we want.  Dr Swift has recommended no more than 3 cycles before we move on to IVF.

So that's it.  Barring a miracle this month, we start our assisted conception journey on Easter weekend - a positive sign, I think, considering Easter was originally a Spring fertility festival.  I'm not going to put too much into that, but forgive me for taking it as a sign that this is the right time.

I'd also like to take a moment to thank our parents for their support in all ways (including financially).  I don't know if Dave's parents read this blog (I'm pretty sure my Mum reads it - hi, Mum!), but thank you to all four of you for your support - it really does mean a lot.